Getting a divorce is never an easy process, but it can be even harder when a couple who’s separating don’t see eye to eye. No matter how someone feels about their soon-to-be ex, divorce represents a major emotional transition. It’s a loss, even when it’s a decision that will eventually benefit both people.
While going through proceedings, there may be some signs a woman will be a nightmare to divorce. It might make the former couple turn on each other in a way that makes each person wonder why they were ever married in the first place.
Smaller conflicts can lead to big, blow-out fights. The silent treatment can be employed with an even colder attitude than ever before. Divorcing couples often experience a loss of respect for each other that’s rooted in witnessing each other show off the worst versions of themselves.
Here are 10 signs a woman will be a nightmare to divorce
1. She refuses to compromise
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A woman who refuses to even consider compromising will be a nightmare to divorce. Every issue around the divorce becomes a struggle, from smaller decisions like dividing up the wedding china to more serious ones, like custody battles. A woman who always insists on getting her way will likely be even more difficult once divorce lawyers get involved.
Compromise is foundational to any relationship, even those that are ending. As clinical social worker Robert Taibbi explained, finding balance in a relationship means that both people feel like they have an equal voice in a disagreement. Yet divorce is often inherently imbalanced: One person wants to leave, while one wants to work on repair. One person thinks they deserve more than the other, and expects them to bend to their will.
Taibbi noted that there are healthy and unhealthy forms of compromise. Healthy compromise is built around finding a mutually agreeable solution, while unhealthy compromise occurs when someone passively agrees or gives in but expects something of value in return. A woman who won’t consider her ex-spouse’s needs and refuses to meet in the middle will be a nightmare to divorce.
2. She has a vindictive mindset
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Divorce can bring out the worst in people, as they feel wronged or like they’ve been treated unfairly. A woman with a vindictive mindset focuses less on what will work for both people and more on punishing her ex. A vindictive woman doesn’t care about resolution, she only cares about revenge.
Vindictiveness can be defined as the deliberate intention to harm or punish another person as a way of getting even for a real or imagined wrong. Being vindictive is usually rooted in a sense of insecurity or powerlessness. At its core, vindictiveness acts as a shield, where one person lashes out before another person can hurt them first.
According to data reported by the Association for Psychological Science, the very act of thinking about revenge creates intense activity in the area of the brain that processes rewards. Yet behavioral scientists have found that acting on the impulse for revenge doesn’t make people feel better, because it only draws out their initial sense of hurt.
Vengeful behavior tends to create a vicious cycle of retaliation, which keeps people stuck in the mire of their unhappiness. It’s likely that a woman with a vindictive mindset won’t work toward reaching an equal exchange, and she’ll put all her energy into causing you harm.
3. She’s only focused on ‘winning’
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Another sign a woman will be a nightmare to divorce is having a highly competitive spirit, where she only wants to “win.” Instead of finding a fair solution that satisfies both people’s needs, a woman focused on winning will do anything to keep the upper hand and defeat her ex.
Her need to win doesn’t just show in the dissolution of marriage, but in every interaction she has. She compares herself to her co-workers, her friends, her siblings, or anyone else she comes into contact with. Her habit of comparison stems from being overly competitive. She needs to be the best, in a way that takes other people down.
A woman who’s focused on winning will drag out the divorce process, just to make her ex miserable. Her belief that she’s better than everyone else leads her to think that she deserves more than her spouse does when dividing assets. She’ll turn even small decisions into a fight, which is a sign that she’ll be a nightmare to divorce.
4. She has narcissistic tendencies
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Recognizing the signs of a narcissist isn’t easy, especially if they wait to reveal who they really are until later on in a relationship. A woman with narcissistic tendencies will be a nightmare to divorce. Her lack of empathy and her outsized ego means that she only cares about herself, to the point where her ex’s needs become entirely unimportant.
In a conversation with the American Psychological Association, clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula explained why being in a relationship with a narcissist is so difficult. “The tough thing about a relationship with a narcissist is that they often run on hope,” she said. “It is never going to be enough and I think that’s the real paradox in the narcissistic relationship.”
Dr. Ramani revealed the emotional antidote to trying to change yourself for a narcissistic partner, saying, “If you’re never going to be enough, one thing you need to do is to stop exhausting yourself to try to be so. Every human being in the world comes into this world more than enough and exits this world more than enough. So that’s got to be the central premise.”
“The key then becomes managing your expectations,” she continued. “Nothing is ever going to be enough for the narcissist and so it’s really to be your best version of yourself for yourself, for your meaning, for your purpose, to live in lying with that.”
One glaring sign that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist is their incessant need to block your shine. They’ll trample your self-worth and leave you feeling totally defeated. As Dr. Ramani revealed, you can’t rely on a narcissist to validate your sense of self. Only you can do that for yourself.
5. She’s controlling
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A woman with a controlling personality needs to hold onto power at the expense of other people. Her need for control might show up in small ways, like deciding what’s for dinner or who drives the school carpool. Eventually, her control issues will extend to every aspect of your shared life, until you feel like you have no say in anything.
A controlling woman tends to have a very rigid mindset, which means that she’s always right and you’re always wrong. She doesn’t believe in compromising, which makes even minor conflicts almost impossible to resolve.
Having a healthy relationship centers on having a balance of give and take, but a controlling woman takes without giving anything back. Separating might amplify her need to control people and outcomes, making her a nightmare to divorce.
6. She has a victim mentality
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A woman with a victim mentality won’t take responsibility for her own behavior and acts like nothing is her fault. It’s nearly impossible to have a calm conversation about relationship issues, since she always feels attacked when you bring up any topic that makes her uncomfortable.
Having a victim mentality means she’s more likely to blame you for the relationship ending, instead of accepting her own part. According to a study in “Couple and Family Psychology,” the main contributors to divorce are infidelity, conflict and arguing, and a lack of commitment. The researchers found that a majority of the study’s participants blamed their partners for the divorce, over blaming themselves.
Divorce coach and former divorce lawyer Karen Covy revealed that the defensiveness caused by a victim mentality is “a serious marriage killer.”
“No one in a marriage is always right or always wrong,” she explained. “If your spouse refuses to take responsibility for what he or she does, the defensiveness will prevent you from ever discussing and dealing with any issues you may have in your marriage.”
A woman who always plays the victim will position herself in a way where she’s always the hurt party. She won’t acknowledge that you might feel hurt, too, which makes her a nightmare to divorce.
7. She’s dishonest
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A relationship can’t survive without a baseline level of trust. Loss of trust often leads to divorce and, according to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, trust and betrayal are the number one issues in marriage.
A dishonest woman and her deceptive behavior will carry over into the way she handles getting divorced, and she might lie or not present the full truth in order to get what she wants. A dishonest woman will twist your words so that she comes off as the better person. She might even gaslight you into thinking you’re the one who’s done her wrong.
Getting divorced from a dishonest woman can feel like watching yourself in a fun-house mirror, where everything is distorted and you don’t know which way to turn. A lack of honesty indicates a lack of respect, which is why a dishonest woman will be a nightmare to divorce.
8. She’s emotionally manipulative
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A woman who is emotionally manipulative will wield her emotions like a weapon, making you feel attacked and trapped by her behavior. She will use guilt and fear to get what she wants, holding you hostage to the extremity of her emotions.
Emotional manipulation is an abusive tactic, revealing just how toxic a person can be. At its core, emotional manipulation is an imbalanced and unfair way to conduct a relationship, because it prioritizes one person’s feelings at the expense of the other’s. Being emotionally manipulated is a very hard trap to free yourself from, which is why divorcing a manipulative woman will be a nightmare.
9. She thrives on drama
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A woman who thrives on drama has a need for continued chaos, which will make the divorce process harder than it needs to be. She welcomes conflict and will put up a fight over inconsequential things, just to maintain a heightened sense of excitement.
She might instigate problems where there weren’t any earlier or drag her feet to extend the divorce process as long as it can go. A woman who wants drama won’t let you off the hook for any perceived slight, and she might even make your relationship seem worse than it was, just to keep the upper hand in the situation.
10. She has an unforgiving nature
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With an unforgiving nature, she holds grudges and refuses to center any form of repair. Her inability to let go of the past can make negotiating for your future extra challenging. Forgiveness is the key to keeping relationships moving forward, even during a divorce.
Licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard explained that a lack of forgiveness inevitably leads to resentment, which is a painful place to live.
“Understanding how to forgive yourself and others is about being willing to acknowledge that you are capable of being wounded,” Gaspard shared. “It also means that you are willing to step out from the role of victim and take charge of your life.” Gaspard concluded, “Forgiveness can allow you to break the cycle of pain and move on to a healthier life.”
Forgiveness can be an essential part of moving on and releasing the hurt that’s been holding you back from living as your fullest self, but an unforgiving woman won’t grant you that kind of peace or closure, which is why she will be a nightmare to divorce.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango’s news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
