Many women are taught from a young age that marriage is something they should aspire to, and that matrimony is all rainbows and butterflies with few dark moments in between. Unfortunately, it’s just not true, and as a result, you may start to notice the signs you’re married to a stubborn man who will never change.
Being in an unhappy marriage may lead to the difficult decision to leave your relationship, and it’s not hard to see why. From being taken advantage of to being belittled, there are plenty of reasons you might choose not to stay, many of which can be traced back to your husband.
Here are 11 signs you’re married to a stubborn man who will never change
1. He shuts down serious conversations
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Men who can’t fully open up emotionally to their wives may end up stonewalling them. They’ll avoid serious conversations or brush them off, claiming it’s not a big deal. But according to the Gottman Institute, one of the four factors that predict divorce include stonewalling, in addition to contempt, criticism, and defensiveness.
Stonewalling is when a partner shuts down a conversation due to feeling psychologically overwhelmed. But this seemingly innocent action has drastic consequences, as the Gottman Institute found it leads to a greater chance of separating. If wives have tried everything to get their husbands to open up and nothing has changed, it’s a major indicator that he’s a stubborn man who will never change.
2. He refuses to compromise
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If you’re married to a stubborn man who will never change, he likely refuses to compromise. Whether it’s watching television or eating dinner, he won’t share or adjust his needs to accommodate yours. And it’s usually because he doesn’t want to experience any uncomfortability.
Your stubborn husband may get upset or angry if things don’t go his way. In his mind, he deserves everything he wants out of life, even if it’s at the expense of your happiness. According to clinical psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D., people who have egotistical pride must learn to take responsibility if they want their relationship to flourish. Unfortunately, stubborn people may feel as if their egos are threatened, leaving their wives to make a difficult decision about whether to stay in the relationship or leave.
3. He plays the blame game
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Refusing to take accountability for their actions, stubborn men may blame their wives for them acting a certain way. If you have a husband like this, it’s likely he blames others for his own actions as well. Not only does it limit his growth potential, it also causes irreversible damage to the person they’re supposed to love.
Unfortunately, most stubborn men won’t change their behavior. A study in the Annual Review of Psychology found that people strongly desire to avoid being judged by others. So, it’s unsurprising that some men will never take accountability because of this innate fear. In situations like this, women must decide whether to stay and tolerate the behavior, or leave.
4. He keeps moving the goalposts
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When both partners sit down to have a discussion, changing certain rules to only apply to one person for their own benefit is a sign of “moving the goalposts,” so to speak. If your husband changes the rules to his advantage, it can cause hurt and distrust in the relationship. And, according to a study published in Behavioral and Research Therapy, distrust can lead to shock, hurt feelings, resentment, guilt, and shame.
A marriage can begin to fall apart if a wife becomes increasingly distant, and a stubborn man is unable to understand why. If you have tried everything and your stubborn husband is still avoidant, it can make you feel like you’re wasting your time trying to fix something that will never work long-term.
5. He’s extremely defensive
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When a person gets defensive, they are unable to admit they are wrong or take any accountability. One of the signs you’re married to a stubborn man who will never change is if you notice his tendency to become upset or angry when questioned or caught in a lie.
The unfortunate reality is that being unable to admit to one’s wrongdoings can have drastic consequences on a marriage, raising tensions and building resentment. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the worst of the four horsemen, or four destructive communication patterns, that can predict divorce. Part of contempt is resentment, which includes rolling your eyes and believing yourself superior to the other person.
6. He breaks his promises
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A stubborn man may frequently break his promises, whether he’s giving his word to plan a night out, pay the bills, or be there emotionally. As his wife, he will promise you the world, often with the intention of not following through. However, when his words fall flat, you end up feeling neglected and unimportant.
You may question the relationship and struggle with how to move forward. Should you let it go and try to make the marriage work, or should you leave so you’re no longer let down on a constant basis? You might feel the need to cling to the relationship, hoping it will work, but fail to understand that a person cannot change unless they, themselves, do so.
7. He doubles down when backed into a corner
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When confronted, stubborn men don’t like to admit they are wrong. Instead, they may claim that you, their wife, is overreacting to avoid taking accountability. But acting in this way doesn’t just hurt you; rather, it deprives him of growth as well.
According to Jamie Cannon MS, LPC, taking accountability helps people learn new skills and develop deeper connections: “We have seen the influence of one person refusing to move, one person sharing their dream, or one person never giving up. Reversing the tide of self-serving pleasure-seeking can be as simple as acknowledging we are all broken in some way. Being able to say ‘it was me,’ reaching out to those we have knowingly hurt, and accepting that what makes us different is the glue that holds us together and can reduce some of the chaos.”
By avoiding accountability for his actions, he’s doing you and your marriage a disservice. And it’s further proof that he will never change his ways.
8. He doesn’t take your concerns seriously
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If you’re married to a stubborn man who will never change, he likely doesn’t take your needs and concerns seriously, often brushing them aside. Whether it’s talking to him about your mental health or that you’ve been feeling ill lately, he doesn’t care to double-check if you’re okay. In his eyes, your worries don’t matter.
Unfortunately, in relationships, feeling unimportant leads to feeling rejected. Licensed psychologist Guy Winch, Ph.D. added that these feelings of rejection can lead to lowered self-esteem and even psychological harm.
“One reason even small rejections sting is that our brain is wired to respond to rejection similarly to the way it responds to physical pain. Rejections from your partner have an even greater impact as they come from the person who knows you best, who sees you most fully (or is supposed to), and who is supposed to love you for who you truly are,” Winch warned. “Therefore, his or her rejections feel like a much more substantial statement about your desirability and character, and can have a devastating impact on your self-esteem and self-image.”
9. He doesn’t take anyone’s advice
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Whether it’s information on how to pay a bill online, or a suggestion to seek out marital counseling as a result of his actions, a stubborn man refuses to take advice from anyone.
Unfortunately, approaching the situation is a bit complicated. Arguing or screaming at him won’t make a difference, as he will grow comfortable in the unfair dynamic. If he feels like you’ll never leave, he won’t feel the need to change for the better. Instead, he might wave you off or outright say he doesn’t care to listen to what you have to say.
During moments like these, you have the opportunity to seek help for yourself through a professional opinion, or to try to talk some sense into your stubborn husband yourself. It’s important to make the best decision for yourself, but it’s equally as important to remember that hoping for the best shouldn’t be part of that decision-making process.
10. He’s not interested in personal growth
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Not feeling the need to try anymore, a stubborn husband could grow accustomed to sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. He has no interest in expanding his knowledge, his interpersonal relationships, or even his skill set. It’s infuriating, especially to you, who likely did your best to make sure he stayed on top of bettering himself.
If you have exhausted therapy, tried implementing goals, and tried the whole “holding yourself accountable” thing with little success, it might be best to move on. Otherwise, you’ll just be wasting your time on a stubborn man who is content with staying the same and never evolving for the better.
11. He’s resistant to new ideas
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Most married men are open to their wife’s suggestions, as they understand that a marriage is a partnership. They want the relationship to last and have no issues with trying something new. According to a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, new experiences lead to greater happiness than materialistic purchases.
That said, if your stubborn husband refuses to be open-minded and is always hesitant to your ideas, he’s cutting you off from forming a deeper connection. And whether you’ve been married a year or 10, relationships should be constantly growing and deepening; in this case, it’s a sign he will never change.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
