After the end of my 28-year marriage, I began a detailed self-exploration. Could I have done anything differently? Should I have done anything differently? What do I regret doing (or not doing), and what can I do about it now?
The weight of regret can feel like a heavy anchor, pulling you down and hindering your ability to move forward. As I navigated the turbulent waters of my divorce, I found myself grappling with a multitude of “what ifs” and “should have done.” And while I can’t change anything that happened in the past, I hope to offer insight to others who may be facing similar challenges.
Here are thirteen regrets that haunt me after ending my marriage:
1. I should have put away more money
This was a tough one for me because I was the breadwinner in our household. Pretty much everything I made, except for 401k savings, went to keeping us afloat. In retrospect, I should have stashed more money away in an account that was in my name only. Let me be your cautionary tale.
2. I should have taken better care of myself
I was working two or three jobs at a time, hustling to keep all the plates spinning. I ate unhealthy food, ran on very little sleep, and probably overdid it on caffeine daily. Now, I’m slowing down and trying to take better care of my temple and maybe lose a few pounds.
3. I should have paid more attention to what my husband was doing
Alex Green | Pexels
In my defense, I was working a lot. He was disabled, so he had free time galore. When he started chatting with other women on the internet, I was oblivious. I only noticed when he started sending them money — money I worked hard for — and lying about it.
The most commonly cited reason for divorce was lack of commitment, followed by infidelity and too much conflict and arguing, according to a 2013 study. These top-rated significant reasons for divorce are similar to those found in extensive random surveys of divorced participants. These findings support the importance of covering communication and commitment in premarital education programs to help foster successful marriages.
4. I should have done things with him on weekends
Here again, I was hustling during the week and trying to make up for all my sleep on the weekends. He was out shopping, visiting friends, and hanging out at the dog park. I was recuperating from a hard week.
5. I should have noticed my husband was acting differently
He was losing weight, buying new clothing, and getting into his Rip Wheeler phase of life. He seemed happier, but I didn’t take the time to ask him why.
6. We should have talked more
We are both at fault here. He was constantly on his phone; I was constantly working or on the computer. We ate dinner, watched a little television, and went to bed.
A 2022 study contends that the quality of couples’ communication predicts relationship satisfaction over time. At times when couples experienced less damaging communication than usual, they were also more satisfied with their relationship than was typical. Positive communication was rarely associated with relationship satisfaction at the within-person level. These findings indicate that within-person changes in negative communication primarily covary with, rather than predict, relationship satisfaction.
7. We should have been intimate more often
Timur Weber | Pexels
I’m not necessarily talking about the bedroom here. He had medical issues that made physical intimacy difficult, but we could have maintained intimacy in other ways — like hugging, holding hands, and kissing.
8. We could have gone to counseling
I don’t know why neither of us brought this one up. But we didn’t. According to a 2023 study that looked at the reasons for and efficacy of marriage counseling, women are more likely than their male partners to be concerned about intimacy, child-rearing, and jealousy.
Both men and women are likely to cite a lack of emotional intimacy, a lack of communication, a loss of trust, and stress outside the relationship as factors that led them to seek marriage counseling.
9. We shouldn’t have jumped so quickly to sell our house
I purchased the house before we got married, and he pressured me into jumping the gun and selling quickly. In retrospect, I should have taken my time. I felt like I had to find a new place too quickly and didn’t get the chance to look as much as I would have liked.
10. I shouldn’t have left so many of my things behind
Books, clothing, furniture, and art. There was an estate sale, but the estate sale coordinator stole things from us and scammed us out of SO much money. I had only a week to move and made decisions far too hastily. I should have taken my time.
11. I should have watched my money more closely when we split it
While I did get most of the proceeds from the house (it was mine pre-marriage, after all), I did lose money in joint accounts and half of my retirement.
12. I should never have taken all of the financial debt on myself
Mikhail Nilov | Pexels
His negligible income meant that I was saddled with the bills. This one hit me hard.
13. My biggest regret is that I should’ve taken more time to walk through the process of helping his daughter die
I thought I was doing the right thing, supporting him while he spent just about every day for an entire year with her. I was there to support him physically, and I thought I was there emotionally, but I don’t think I ever put myself in his shoes. His baby girl was dying. And he felt alone because I was working sixteen hours a day.
A 2021 study published by the University of Plymouth found that women often blame men for lack of emotional disclosure because of societal expectations that portray men as needing to be stoic and emotionally reserved, leading to a perception that men are not adequately sharing their feelings, which can create frustration and a sense of disconnect in relationships, particularly when women are typically encouraged to be more emotionally expressive. Not all men avoid emotional disclosure, and not all women expect the same level of openness. Open and honest communication about emotional needs can help couples navigate differences in emotional expression.
This whole messy experience has been a harsh teacher, but the lessons I learned are valuable. I hope my story serves as a cautionary tale for people — couples especially.
Communication is at the very heart of so many divorces. Make time for yourselves and each other. Don’t ignore red flags and prioritize joint financial planning. If you’re struggling, consider couples counseling before it’s too late. By sharing my regrets, I hope to help others avoid similar heartbreak.
Susan League is a versatile writer and marketer with a passion for storytelling. As a newly single dog mom, she’s navigating the challenges and rewards of independent living, exploring stand-up comedy in the metaverse, and sharing her experiences through her writing.
