Maybe you’ve struggled to keep a love relationship or marriage with your partner who is an incurable flirt or even a serial cheater. You’ve tried every way you know to get them to change, and nothing has worked. But should you try to keep a cheater in check?
Here are 4 reasons you should never try to keep a cheater ‘in check,’ according to psychology
1. It won’t change the facts
This might have to be a daily practice. No matter what happened in the past, keep bringing your attention back to what’s true now. What are the observable and verifiable facts of your partner’s behavior and of your relationship in general right now? Write them down on paper if needed.
Look honestly at your relationship. If your partner continues to cheat or disrespect you and break your trust, it might be time to ask whether or not it’s smart to stay in the relationship, as explored in research by Colleen C. Malachowski of West Virginia University.
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2. Guilt trips and ultimatums aren’t effective
If you are committed to staying in your relationship and decide it’s in your best interest to do so, open up communication with your partner. An article in the Journal of Family Issues supports that you should invite them in and ask them to work with you to heal trust.
Don’t do this by laying out a guilt trip or ultimatum, ask them to help come up with trust-supportive agreements you both will keep. Some of these agreements might involve them being more transparent with you. Other agreements may address weak points in your relationship.
3. It doesn’t allow them to step up
Look for the ways you are preventing them from being honest and open with you. Is your resentment and bitterness getting in the way? Are your expectations, “They can’t be trusted,” coming through loud and clear and sending the message it’s not worth it for them to try? Help create an environment that’s conducive to re-connection, as demonstrated by The Gottman Institute.
4. It doesn’t allow them to make improvements
Give them credit when they show you they are trying. Let them know you appreciate their efforts and celebrate the successes you both contribute to as your relationship makes its way back to health and happiness.
A study from the Cognition and Emotion Journal explores how you’ve had to make it your job to “keep them in line” and ask them the same set of questions every single day to be sure they are not giving in to temptation with the attractive person at their office. You had to check their phone, email, and social media to monitor who they were interacting with and step in when another person got too close.
You’ve had to be hyper-vigilant because they’ve shown you they won’t make good choices for your relationship. Even if your partner has never cheated, you’ve heard too many horror stories from friends who suffered infidelity, and it’s led you to believe they just can’t be trusted.
Perhaps you grew up with the lesson they can’t help themselves, and it’s up to you to make sure they keep their promise to be faithful. Especially if your partner has had an affair, flirts with others, or looks too long at other people, it seems like you have a valid reason to take on the job of keeping them in line.
We understand the painful uncertainty of being in a relationship with someone who has disappointed and hurt you by breaking your trust. We don’t want you to set yourself up for future heartbreak by denying what happened in the past or ignoring important signals you see now. But there’s a serious downside to consider.
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When you make it your job to keep your partner in line,
- You send the message they are incapable of making their own decisions.
- They are “off the hook” and free from responsibility. (Why should they bother to make a change when you’re always policing them?)
- You make yourself morally superior. (Which may not be true in all situations.)
- You build up the walls between you even bigger — and make them more difficult to take down.
- You prevent trust from healing.
When you feel suspicious or are actively trying to repair damage after a break in trust, differentiate between what you can and can’t do. You cannot make them change, and you can’t do the job of making certain choices for them.
You aren’t helpless, either. There are so many ways you can help heal your relationship so you two can move closer together and be happy again.
