When you discover infidelity in your relationship and you’re staring down the proof of an affair, a lot of emotions tend to bubble up. But why is it that when your husband is cheating on you, the majority of your anger gets directed at his mistress, the “other woman,” instead of him, the cheating spouse? Being angry after finding out your spouse is betraying your marriage is normal.
He chose to cheat on you, but when everything hits the fan, he manages to convince you that he’s just an innocent victim of her advances and your neglect. You feel vindicated in blaming the other woman and, in turn, ignoring the fact that he purchased her lingerie, took her on trips, and sent sensual messages to her. He did those things repeatedly, for an extended period, by choice.
Here are eight reasons why you hate ‘the other woman’ more than your cheating husband:
1. You see the other woman as a threat
You’ve bought into the belief that a man has no self-control when it comes to being intimate. So there’s no way he’s capable of practicing free will when a woman seduces him.
2. You see the act of cheating as a personal rejection
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You begin to compare yourself to her to make yourself a better catch. After all, you’re prettier and smarter than her! It’s necessary to see her as a cold-hearted monster that set out to destroy your life if you’re looking at her in comparison to yourself.
3. It’s too hard to accept that he betrayed you
Hating and shaming the other woman is much easier than admitting that your man is treating you like dirt. And that he chose to hurt you that way. He’s okay with getting his needs met at your expense.
4. You believe if it wasn’t for her, your husband would not have strayed
It’s hard for you to see that your man would have found another woman to cheat with if it wasn’t her. If it wasn’t specifically an incident about her then you’re left worrying about every other female your cheating spouse is near.
5. You’re certain you’d never fall for a married man
Confident in your values and integrity, you’re certain she has none of her own. You think any woman who falls for a married man (whether she knew he was married or not) is an evil being, out to destroy lives.
6. You don’t want to face your flaws
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It’s hard to admit that you made the wrong decision to trust your spouse. After all, you love him and want him in your life, so it’s hard to see him as the villain. Trust in a relationship is essential, and once it’s broken, extremely hard to get back, according to research from 2023.
7. You believe that once she’s gone, you’ll return to living happily ever after
This is a common form of denial. You’re not emotionally ready to let go of your cheating husband or the notion that your marriage is safe and happy. Not many marriages can survive infidelity. According to statistics, about 53% of marriages that involve infidelity end after five years.
8. If feels safer to hurl your anger and blame at her
This is especially true if your husband is controlling or violent. You’re afraid to confront him and believe that confronting her is a less volatile option. While the other woman is responsible for her actions, she is not responsible for your husband’s behavior.
For you to heal, you need to hold him accountable for his actions. He is the one who made vows to you. He chose to break those vows.
If a man is going to cheat, he can always find someone willing to play with him. He had his reasons for cheating. The other woman did not force him to do anything he didn’t want to.
You will probably never be friends with the other woman. But you’ll never know the whole truth about what happened and why. She has her story, you have yours, and the cheater has his.
She is not responsible for your feelings — you are. Deal with your emotions, and decide how you want to proceed in your life.
Cindy Holbrook is a divorce coach, personal development coach, and speaker.
