He’s acting differently, but you just can’t put your finger on why. Then someone calls him in the middle of the night, and he doesn’t have a good explanation. You’re right to be alarmed.
Sure, it could’ve been a pocket dial, but it’s also one of the major signs he’s cheating. That doesn’t mean you should accuse him immediately, but you need to pay attention and watch for more signs and changes in his overall behavior.
After interviewing 50 cheating men and a number of their wives (and ex-wives), there are several subtle clues many women remain unaware of for far too long.
Here are fifteen subtle traits of a man who’s cheating on you, according to real-life cheaters:
1. He has unpredictable mood swings
What he said: “I was constantly looking for reasons to get away, and it was hard to think of new excuses all the time. So, I’d start a fight with her.”
Being angry in an instant — or being overly nice — is a red flag. There’s no real reason for him to leave, so he has to create one. New activities, such as him going out all the time but never mentioning it until afterward, are a glaring example.
If he was going somewhere else and had no reason to hide it, he would most likely talk about it with you.
2. He stops desiring you
What he said: “I started my affair, and all I wanted was physical intimacy, but not from my wife. She knew something was up because our intimate life was always pretty active.”
A sudden shift in your regular or familiar bedroom routine with no accompanying discussion of him wanting or needing something different is a big warning sign of cheating.
3. He seems detached
He seems to be “dreamy” or simply shut down. If he’s suddenly stopped talking as much as usual, that’s a red flag of something being wrong — even if it’s not cheating, as shown by an article in The International Journal of Relational Perspectives.
4. He asks for more connection
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He wants to connect with you more — romantically, intimately, or emotionally — and is directly or indirectly asking you for it. This is a good sign because it means he knows something is wrong, either with your relationship or with temptation, and he wants to resolve it before he cheats or before a flirtation becomes an actual affair.
This is one of the earliest signs your man may be thinking of cheating or feeling guilty about having one. While these behaviors aren’t foolproof signs of cheating, a few taken in combination are sure signs that something is up. Be careful not to make accusations you can’t back up. If you suspect he’s cheating, sit him down for a long, open talk about your concerns.
If the feeling he is cheating doesn’t disappear after your conversation with him, you’ll have some choices to make — and perhaps some further investigating to begin.
5. He strays from his predictable everyday behavior
What he said: “My wife knew I was cheating before there was any real evidence. She said she should just tell.”
After spending time with someone for several months (or even years), you know their typical behavior. You know how they act in certain situations, and when they act differently, you want an explanation — if not cheating, then something else real and tangible, as supported by a study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
In one respondent’s case, when he started his affair, he would grab his phone and head into the restroom for 20 to 30 minutes.
His excuse: He was reading his email and the news. The only problem was his phone bill showed a different story entirely — lots and lots of text messages exchanged with another woman’s number.
6. He remembers things you don’t or loses track of details
What he said: “I was talking to my wife about a movie we saw and laughing about one of the scenes. She wasn’t laughing. I asked, ‘What? Don’t you remember?’ She then informed me we hadn’t seen it together.”
As he spends more time with both you and his mistress, the memories of his time spent with her and the memories of his time spent with you will start to blur together. Schedules get crossed, and he won’t be able to keep track of where he was on any given day.
The time he spent with another woman is entirely unaccounted for — often, with no explanation.
7. He has an overnight change in musical taste
What he said: “I’ve never really liked jazz. But I struck up with this woman; we enjoyed it together. I started listening to it all the time, just to think about her.”
There’s nothing wrong with trying new things. But when it’s out of the blue, and he excludes you from the change, it’s one of the warning signs something is amiss and he may be cheating on you.
8. He suddenly needs a lot of privacy
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What he said: “I was working from home, and I started closing the door more often, saying that the kids were loud or that I just needed to work quietly. I was online chatting with my mistress.”
Taking time for one’s self is normal. But when it’s out of the normal pattern or becomes more and more frequent, it could be a sign something else is going on.
Going to work early, leaving late, getting off the phone suddenly, and taking lots of private calls from a “relative” are also red flags.
9. He hides his financial transactions from you
What he said: “I was meeting her for lunch almost daily. And our hotel visits were three or four times per week. Covering that was very difficult. I opened a PayPal account, got a PayPal debit card, and attached a personal checking account to my PayPal account. I would make online transfers into PayPal, and she couldn’t see any of my transactions.”
Most cheating men will need an untraceable way to pay for things like gifts, meals, hotels, and trips.
A study published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests that reloadable credit cards, PayPal or Venmo accounts, and eBay purchases are all great ways to hide large or frequent transactions. Investigate any large, random transfers or cash withdrawals he hasn’t told you about.
10. He has new “friends” at work and/or more work responsibilities
What he said: “My company allowed me to work from home if I choose. But I’d started a relationship with a new manager at the office, so I started going in to work more often. When I extended my business trips a day before or after, I needed a remote site extended office lunches and late hours.”
Office affairs are very common, especially considering how much time we spend working together, as shown by research in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. He might mention his new “friend” to dispel any suspicions you have and if you pop into the office unexpectedly, or he might even introduce you to his “coworker” to throw you off the scent. Follow your gut and pay attention to his other behaviors.
11. He becomes secretive with his technology
What he said: “iMessage on the iPhone is untraceable on cell phone bills. I would only text [my mistress] when it was safe and then delete the messages immediately. To this day, my wife doesn’t know how I communicated with [my mistress].”
What he said: “I didn’t want to send traceable emails. So, we established a new Gmail account and communicated in the drafts folder without ever sending anything.”
Technology is now smarter, and affairs have gone high-tech. New passwords on his phone or computer, password changes at your bank or phone company, or phones being “left in the car” were once easy-to-spot signs of infidelity.
A study in the Computers in Human Behavior Journal explains how alternate email addresses, Gmail, or social media accounts are an effective way to hide messages, but he will still hide his computer and phone from you, and that’s a sign you can’t miss.
12. He downloads new apps or starts using specific social media accounts much more often
What he said: “I downloaded Snapchat on my cellphone to communicate with her.”
Cheaters often fly under the radar by using technology to do their communication dirty work. Apps exist that allow text messages, online chat sessions, and pictures to last for a certain amount of time (and then disappear).
Pay attention to new apps on his cell phone he doesn’t let you know about. If he usually loops you into his new app discoveries and is leaving you out of this one — and seems to use it all the time — that’s a big warning sign.
What’s more, Snapchats disappear quickly and are generally untraceable. WhatsApp is also untraceable on your phone bill, so lots of cheaters like it.
Just remember, those apps are used for all sorts of reasons. So don’t start making accusations unless you’re very certain it’s suspicious.
13. He acts secretive
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He sets his phone down or shuts it off just as you approach. He refuses to give you details when he goes out. He avoids questions or never answers them or answers them with another question. Research in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences supports how he may redirect the conversation if you bring something up he doesn’t want to talk about it. However, he may also be planning a surprise, so be careful with this sign.
14. He has a rapid change in his weight or appearance
What he said: “After I started my affair, I dropped like 10 pounds in about a week. It was crazy.”
Cheating men change physically. Their love handles disappear, posture changes, and muscle tone/definition returns. It’s the body’s primal means of preparing for courtship — he’s readying himself to attract a mate.
In addition, cheating men start taking much better care of themselves and take a lot of pride in their appearance. He suddenly starts pressing his clothes, coifing his hair, and shaving daily when he didn’t before, especially when leaving the house without you.
15. He has a massive increase in libido
What he said: “After I started up with [my mistress], I started sleeping with my wife much more often. She told me I was aggressive in bed and that she hadn’t seen me that way before.”
All of the men I interviewed expressed experiencing a huge rush of oxytocin, as shown by research in the Journal of Psychoneuroendocrinology. The men manifested a newfound confidence and felt strong, masculine, and virile — like every woman wanted them. Their egos grew larger by the day.
We’ve all heard stories of cheating men who try turning your questions against you in their defense, like accusing you of cheating or violating his privacy by looking at his phone, but those are just the obvious signs of a man who is cheating.
If he accuses you of cheating (without any basis, of course) when you confront him, that’s an even worse sign a man is cheating. Don’t let him talk you into feeling guilty for something you know you’re not doing.
This tactic is not only a huge red flag about his fidelity, but it’s also a sign that he’s willing to manipulate and even gaslight you to get what he wants. In turning the question back on you, he is willing to make you feel “crazy” or even guilty to protect himself from having to be honest.
However, if he’s given you no definitive proof he’s cheating and has been open and honest about his whereabouts and behavior, you may want to consider the problem isn’t on his end. In this case, it may be worth consulting a professional, either together or on your own, to get to the root of the issue in your relationship.
The only way to know for sure if he’s cheating or not is to ask him. Be upfront about your feelings and thoughts. It’s never a good idea to invade someone’s privacy, and hacking his phone or social media can be considered a crime. Best not to go that route and just ask him or get professional help.
Good luck to you, and remember the key to getting through any challenge in a relationship is open communication, compassion, and empathy. Try to deal with this as a team, and it just may work out fine.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series, The Problem with Women… is Men.
