Are you worried that soon you’re going to have to have “the talk”? You know the one. You’ve been dating a while and you’re not sure if you’re on the same page and you’ll need to ask him, “Where is this relationship going?” Maybe you find yourself analyzing his every word and action looking for subtle signs he wants a committed relationship. Wouldn’t it just be easier if it was obvious, and you didn’t have to anxiously wonder what his intentions are?
Men aren’t subtle about their intentions. Whether he’s just looking for something convenient and easy or wants a committed relationship, his intentions are easy to interpret if you know what to look for. If you want to steer clear of men who aren’t serious about you, take time to understand men and how they operate.
Here are nine signs of a man who isn’t serious about you:
1. He’s not curious about your life
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A man who wants a relationship with you will want to know all about you, what you like and don’t like. He’ll ask questions about your hobbies and interests.
He may ask questions to find out if you are available or if you find him attractive. He’ll want to know that the water is warm for him to move things forward.
The convenient guy may be charming, but ultimately, he’s looking to charm you. He’s not curious about you. He may flirt with you, but he’s too busy thinking about himself and getting you to focus on him. Mr. Convenient isn’t looking for anything long-term.
A 2023 study by The Journal of Psychology found that a lack of curiosity in a relationship, regardless of gender, can be detrimental as it signifies a lack of interest and engagement and can hinder healthy connection and intimacy. Individuals with higher curiosity tend to have better relationships due to their active desire to understand their partner and their life experiences.
2. He waits until the last minute to make plans with you
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Are you leaving Saturday night open in your calendar because you want to see him, but you don’t know when or if you are going to hear from him?
A guy who reaches out at the last minute is only doing what’s convenient for him and keeping his options open. Just because he may want your companionship now and then doesn’t mean that he wants a relationship with you. Make sure you’re paying attention to the difference.
One of the signs he wants a committed relationship is that he’s eager to see you again. He’ll make sure that he has a scheduled date to see you and may even ask you outright at the end of a date or soon thereafter. He’ll ask you out early in the week for a prime date night like a Friday or Saturday night.
Research by the Association for Psychological Science on procrastination and decision-making within psychology can shed light on this behavior, often linking it to factors like fear of commitment, desire for spontaneity, and a tendency to overestimate future motivation, which can be particularly prevalent in some men.
3. He unnecessarily rushes the pace of your relationship
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One of the signs he wants a committed relationship is that he may want to claim you right away, but he’s also willing to wait for you. He respects your feelings and will make adjustments to accommodate you.
If you’re not ready for exclusivity or physical intimacy, he’s fine with you setting the pace of the relationship.
The guy who sticks with his agenda and pushes for physical intimacy even if you’re hesitant about moving forward isn’t looking to win you over long-term.
If he’s coming on strong but gets annoyed that you aren’t going along with him, or he tries to convince you to do something you’re not ready for, then he isn’t sincere in his affection for you.
Set the pace of the relationship and see how he responds. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to tell him, “I’m not ready yet.”
4. He keeps you isolated from the rest of his life
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One of the signs he wants a committed relationship with you is that it’s important to him that you meet his friends and family. He will include you in his life and want to show you off to those closest to him.
If he wants to keep you a secret, then he probably has a secret he doesn’t want you to know. It isn’t romantic if no one knows about the two of you. Sneaking around may feel exciting, but it’s not a recipe for lasting love.
Also, pay attention to how he introduces you to people in his life. He may downplay your relationship by introducing you as his “friend” instead of his “girlfriend.”
This is a clear sign that he’s not sure what he wants and isn’t sure about you and your relationship. If he’s making excuses for why you’re not meeting his friends and family, it’s a red flag showing you that he doesn’t take the relationship seriously.
when a man keeps you away from his life, it could be related to a fear of intimacy, insecurity about masculinity, past relationship trauma, a need for control, or a desire to maintain independence, often stemming from societal expectations of “traditional masculinity” which can discourage emotional vulnerability and closeness.
5. He won’t go out of his way — literally or figuratively — to see you
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One of the most obvious signs he wants a committed relationship is that he’s moving the relationship forward. He’s regularly reaching out to you to schedule a date. He texts and calls to see how you’re doing and is genuinely interested in how your day is going.
The two of you have a regular routine like speaking on the phone at the end of the day before going to sleep. A man who follows through on his word is serious about you. If he says he’s going to call, he calls.
He doesn’t cancel a date with you at the last minute with a flimsy excuse. It also won’t matter to him if he has to go out of his way to see you. He’s not going to complain about having to drive an hour to meet you in your part of town.
He won’t ask if you’ll meet him around the corner from his office or ask you to take on the burden of coming to see him. A man who wants to impress you may even schedule and pay for a rideshare car, like Lyft or Uber for you to see him.
When a man keeps you away from his life, it could be related to a fear of intimacy, insecurity about masculinity, past relationship trauma, a need for control, or a desire to maintain independence. This often stems from societal expectations of traditional masculinity, which can discourage emotional vulnerability and closeness, according to a study published in the American Journal of Men’s Health.
6. He’ll add you to already-existing plans
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A man who wants a committed relationship with you will make plans to see you, weeks or months in advance. He will ask you to go to a concert or on a trip with him, that doesn’t happen for a while.
He’ll even ask for your input about where to go and what to do and make adjustments based on your availability.
Mr. Convenient may include you in plans he’s already made, but he won’t go out of his way to create something special for the two of you. He’ll do what’s easy for him and nothing more.
An obvious sign he wants a committed relationship is when he sees you in his future and makes plans for the two of you to do things that are not just within the next week or two.
Some psychological research explores gender differences in future-oriented thinking, suggesting that men may sometimes focus more on the present moment than women, potentially leading to less proactive future planning in certain situations. However, a 2012 study explains that this is not a definitive characteristic of all men and can be influenced by individual personality and cultural factors.
7. He thinks you’re too needy
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One of the signs a man wants a committed relationship is when he does his best to give you what you want. He doesn’t get defensive or make a big deal that you made a request.
Just because a man likes you doesn’t mean he will intuitively know how to please you. He may not automatically open your car door for you, but the man who digs you will honor your requests as long as they don’t clash with his values.
A guy who isn’t serious may see your requests as being needy or too demanding. He may argue with you and may try to convince you that what you want isn’t important.
Some guys will agree to go along, but not make any effort to actually fulfill your requests. This may be an indication of someone who has passive-aggressive tendencies.
8. He’s afraid of your differences
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A man who likes you and wants something lasting with you will make an effort to work through any disagreements between you. There’s no perfect man that you won’t have a conflict with.
There are, however, men who are willing to resolve your differences and work toward a common goal and these are relationship-ready men who are seriously interested in you.
One of the signs he wants a committed relationship is that he will be available to talk through the difficult subjects that can come up in a relationship. Your soulmate isn’t a mirror image of you. He will think and feel differently than you.
It’s your differences that create attraction like magnets — the polar opposites attract. Plus, these differences make you stronger as a couple as you’ll have a variety of strategies to overcome adversity together. Being able to work through your differences is part of the dance of lasting love.
A study published by the American Journal of Men’s Health indicates that some men experience a fear of women’s differences, often stemming from societal expectations of masculinity and the pressure to appear dominant. This can lead to anxieties about being controlled, judged inadequate, or trapped in a relationship, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as gender role conflict.
9. He doesn’t seem to care what you want
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A man who wants a relationship with you ultimately wants you to be happy. He will be curious about how to please you and what makes you feel good.
When you make requests and share your desires, he’ll make adjustments and try his best to honor your requests.
He wants you to be happy because when you’re happy he can relax and be joyful too. One of the signs he wants a committed relationship is that your happiness is a priority for him.
If a guy expects you to make him happy or constantly puts his desires above yours, he isn’t emotionally available for a healthy relationship. If he doesn’t care about what you want, then he isn’t your guy so just move on.
Notice if the guy you’re dating is striving to discover what makes you happy and doing his best to deliver it to you. This will let you know he sees you and your happiness as a priority in his life.
The perception of men not caring about what a partner wants is often linked to societal expectations of traditional masculinity, which emphasizes stoicism, dominance, and emotional suppression. This can lead some men to struggle with actively listening to and prioritizing their partner’s needs and desires, a 2016 study found. This can manifest as appearing dismissive or uninterested in their partner’s feelings.
Be open and clear from the beginning about what’s important to you. If you want kids, don’t wait until you’re in an exclusive relationship to tell him.
Mention it early on as you’re getting to know each other. If you desire marriage, do not agree to move in together if there is no plan to get married shortly.
Be authentic from the beginning about your wants and desires. Date the way you want to mate and you’ll never wonder whether he’s interested in a committed relationship or not.
Don’t ignore the signs from him that he isn’t on the same page as you. Move on quickly when you discover that the two of you don’t want the same things out of life.
If you need reassurance from him, then be straightforward, share your feelings, and ask for what you need. You can share with him that you feel nervous or anxious to ask him about the status of the relationship.
Give him the respect of having the conversation in person and give him time to think if he doesn’t have an answer right away. If he replies in a way that you don’t like, be grateful for the clarity you now have about the relationship so you can do what’s best for you.
Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s “The Millionaire Matchmaker.”
