There is no such thing as settling while we’re in a relationship. It’s only in retrospect that we admit to ourselves that we were settling. But as long as we stayed in the love relationship, we got exactly what we bargained for.
As hard as it is to admit this to ourselves, the people we choose as partners directly reflect how we feel about ourselves while we are with them. If we aren’t happy in a particular relationship and genuinely believe we can find someone better, we will leave.
The hardest thing for women to admit when they continually stay in the wrong relationship
We would leave the relationship and go for what we want. No matter how many times we tell ourselves we can do better, we stay because the person we are with is the “right” partner for us at that moment. Research from 2018 finds that one of the biggest reasons people stay in bad relationships is a fear of being alone.
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The other day, my client, Jenna, launched into an impassioned speech about how she’s been settling all her life for “inferior men” who are financially unstable and emotionally incapable of ever giving her what she wants. Her eyes welled up with tears as she lamented, “It’s a shame I wasted all that time in the wrong relationships with the wrong people. What was I thinking? I still can’t believe I settled for so little when I am such a good person, and I deserve so much more.”
Even though I’ve heard hundreds of clients express similar regrets in my 12 years as a relationship coach, I wasn’t buying Jenna’s story. As tears spilled down her cheeks, I suddenly realized what bothered me about what she was saying. I could see how much easier it is for her to tell herself that she settled than to admit the truth:
She chose to stay in the wrong relationships with the wrong people because that’s what she felt she deserved at the time.
We all do this at times. One study by Siemens Festival Nights found that 73% of married people surveyed say they are “making do” in their relationships because their true love got away.
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When I was with my first husband, I told myself I could do better and leave whenever I wanted. Still, I stayed with him for 13 years before finally mustering the guts to go. The day I left, the phone company cut off our service, and the rent on our apartment hadn’t been paid for 6 months.
At 34 years old, I found myself camping out in the guest bedroom at my older brother’s house while I grieved the loss of my marriage. One particularly dark and lonely night, as I lay on the floor in the fetal position sobbing, I was finally able to take responsibility for the choices that I had made in my relationship.
I realized that no one had made me stay in my marriage. I’d picked out my ex-husband all by myself and chosen to stay with him for 13 years.
Why did I stay? Because, at the time, I was every bit as messed up as he was.
The kind of guy I was now fantasizing about finding would never want to be with the person I was when I was in that old relationship.
This reality was a bitter pill to swallow, but I finally saw that I had been in the right relationship with the right person at the time. Even though I now dreamed about being in a better relationship with a better man, I could see then that I still had a lot of work to do on myself before I could attract a man like that. It took me 8 years of traditional therapy and other inner, personal work before I met that guy, so I felt a lot of compassion for Jenna.
“It’s easy to look back and talk about how you wasted time in the wrong relationships,” I explained, “but those relationships were the very thing that helped you see your value and know what you deserve in a partner. It’s hard to know what you want in a partner if you’re not willing to put yourself out there and explore some relationships with the “wrong” people to find the right person.”
As I spoke to Jenna, I remembered my brief relationship after my first marriage ended. We dated for a few weeks when, one night, he drank too much and suddenly turned mean and violent. The next day, he pleaded with me to give him another chance.
In the past, I would have told myself that “he needed me,” and I would have stayed for months (or even years) thinking I could help him. Then, like Jenna, I’d have felt bad for having settled. Fortunately, I learned from my first marriage that the partners we choose reflect who we are at the time. When I looked at this new man, I didn’t like what I saw reflected to me. I’d been down that road before and knew exactly where it led. So, I decided to end the relationship right then and there, and I never looked back.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you’ve done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474 or log onto thehotline.org.
Lisa Shield is a dating coach with a Master’s in Spiritual Psychology and a life and relationship coach certification through The Coaches Training Institute. She hosts the Podcast “Finding The Guardian Of Your Soul.
