Love is a slow build-up, not an instant thing. It takes time to find someone who truly understands you and who you can build a life with. And love, a lot of times, is trial and error.
You have to get it wrong to find out what you like and what you can handle. And love ends. It ends many more times than it lasts, and it’s okay, it’s meant to. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault, it just happen, but other times there are sad reasons people have trouble maintaining relationships and lose their ability to love.
Here are seven tragic reasons people lose their ability to stay in love:
1. They’re focused on instant gratification
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We live in an age of high-speed everything: high-speed internet, and high-speed 3G phone service. We expect everything to happen for us immediately, and that’s a problem for love. You can’t go on three dates and expect to be ready to live with each other.
2. They use drugs and alcohol too heavily
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This is hardly a universal trait among people who have a hard time being in love. It’s not that roasting a bowl after work or having a beer with some friends on the weekend is all that bad for you and your love life, but it’s when it becomes a problem it’s problematic. In many cases, drug and alcohol use are on the decline, but it’s still love’s worst enemy in a lot of ways.
Jessica Miller, a relationship coach, found that there is much we don’t know about why partners stay with partners who struggle with heavy drug and/or alcohol use. Sober partners are in love with a partner who loves a substance — leaving them to watch their partner choose their drug of choice over them.
“At times, [partners of the user] suffer more than their partner. Just imagine having to watch your one-and-only repeatedly self-sabotage,” explained Miller.
3. They have too many options
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I’d argue that there’s nothing inherently wrong about sleeping around when you’re not in a steady relationship, aside from the possibility that diseases spread. Use protection. Go at your own pace. You don’t owe anyone anything.
But in the same way that drugs damage your potential for love when you self-medicate, intimacy can be a kind of medication, too. If you’re fine with intimacy that isn’t particularly special, that’s fine. But if you’re using it to fill a void in your life, it may hinder your ability to live fully in the future.
4. They’re too focused on themselves
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More and more, we think about our needs before the needs of anyone else. It’s getting to the point of insanity.
No one wants to take care of anything that doesn’t personally pertain to them. This constant self-interest makes it hard to let love into your life.
Findings from a 2015 study suggest that excessive self-focus, often referred to as self-absorption or narcissism, can significantly hinder a person’s ability to feel and express love, as it prioritizes their own needs and desires over the needs of others, leading to a disconnect in emotional connection and potential difficulties in forming healthy relationships. When someone is too into themselves, they may struggle to truly empathize and connect with others on a deeper level, which is required for love.
5. They’re incapable of compromising
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From the moment we’re born, we’re told that we have to go to college, get these jobs, have a career, and all of this other ambitious stuff. We’re also told to have a family, to have kids, to have that stupid house in the suburbs. The emphasis on success takes away from finding a partner and starting a family.
It’s important to remember to compromise with each other. It doesn’t mean giving up everything, it just means making it work.
Relationship coach Tanya Finks found that “learning how and when to compromise effectively can be the difference between relationship survival and relationship bliss.” While some believe sacrifice is necessary for a happy relationship, Finks explained, “You can learn how to compromise without sacrificing your ways.”
6. They’re waiting for the fairytale
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Love is different from person to person. Each relationship is unlike the last. It’s important to let it take the form it’s going to take, not force narratives of the fairytale love.
7. They’re just not very good at relationships
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I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. I’ve experienced it myself. We’re not that great at relationships and being in love. There’s no reason to be ashamed.
Difficulty in loving others can stem from various factors, including low self-esteem, attachment issues, past trauma, personality disorders, and a lack of emotional awareness, often leading to struggles with intimacy, difficulty expressing affection, and challenges in maintaining healthy relationships. According to a 2020 study, this can manifest in emotional detachment, excessive criticism, or difficulty trusting others.
It’s important that we grow as people. It’s important to remember that being in love is like being a part of the best team you could dream of.
It’s important to remember how to talk to each other. Remember, we’re all people and we all want to be treated a certain way. So, embody that.
Higher Perspective seeks to unite like-minded individuals focused on personal growth and expanding their consciousness. We can be better to our planet, better to our brothers and sisters, and better to ourselves.
