My ex-boyfriend was a groomsman at my wedding. That may sound unbelievable, but not if you’re careful to understand the smart choices people who usually stay friends with their exes make. He wasn’t just any ex-boyfriend, either — he was the last one before I met my husband-to-be. My last fling was in the audience, too, and I didn’t start to cry until I walked down the aisle and saw the tears standing in his eyes. He’s not a crier, either.
My husband was OK with all this. The fling is now his friend more than mine, and my ex regularly stops by for dinner. I can’t conceive of not being friends with my exes, and you can do the same thing with the right ex. It’s easy.
People who stay friends with exes make these choices
1. They don’t date red flags in the first place
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No, seriously. Be selective and careful about who you let into your life. Watch how he treats people in the service industry: is he kind to waitresses and waiters? Does he tip well?
The way he treats others is especially important. Life coach Fabienne Slama explains, “If the person you’re going on a date with is nasty or dismissive to the waiter at the bar or to the coffee shop you are going to, this is a huge red flag. Kindness is an essential value in life, and a person that is not kind in the most basic way will probably be unkind to you down the road.”
Meet their friends and make sure they’re generally decent. They shouldn’t lie to you, play games, or date someone else on the side. You’re looking for someone who takes care of you when you’re sick, not someone who takes advantage of you when you’re down.
2. They make sure they are best friend material
I can’t imagine ditching my exes. They were my best friend while we were together, after all! Of course, no one can compete with your longtime BFF. But you should have a person you can be yourself with: silly, serious, and everything in between.
You should trust each other to drive one another’s cars, admit to Scooby Doo obsessions, and maybe even be willing to wash their sheets or dirty skivvies when you’re doing a load of laundry. If you’re not, it’s possible you’re harboring some contempt, which famed relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman call “the most destructive negative behavior in relationships.”
3. They don’t betray their partner
Yes, it’s tempting to cheat or lie or keep secrets. Yes, I’ve done it (hello, ex I don’t talk to, sorry about that). But your best chance of being friends later is being honest.
While this may seem like common sense, we sometimes need reminders. In fact, one study noted that people were more likely to stay friends with an ex who is trustworthy, reliable and of sentimental value.
4. They don’t open a relationship without serious consideration
In developing relationships, it rarely works out. Often, people end up jealous — even when you swear you won’t — and you’ll fight about boundaries. Finally, you’ll break up over it, and probably bitterly.
If you do want to try an open relationship after having been committed, consider reaching out to a therapist with experience working with non-traditional relationships first in order to be sure your goals and expectations are the same. You can also read up on how to make an open relationship work, like Polysecure by therapist Jessica Fern.
5. They end it fairly
This is the hardest part. Breakups are always ugly. Someone always wants to blame someone else (especially if that someone cheated). But be graceful. Be fair about dividing mutual possessions.
Personal Development Coach Moira Hutchison recommends having a face-to-face discussion whenever possible and advises people to listen to the other person’s side attentively. “They may have a different view of the same events or want to express their feelings.”
6. They don’t bad-mouth their ex
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And don’t trash-talk them to your friends. If your friends want to know all the gory details, spill them to your BFF over ice cream and a Lifetime movie. Don’t weep over coffee in public or make a public scene with your about-to-be ex.
Avoid a confrontation full of accusations, screaming, and cursing. Alcohol increases the likelihood this will happen, so try not to break up if you’ve been drinking.
7. They give it a cool-off period
Don’t expect to be BFFs tomorrow. You probably won’t want to be, anyway. It took me over a year to talk to my groomsman ex, and now he’s one of my BFFs. Wait it out. Don’t trash them, and don’t postmortem your relationship with everyone.
Instead, process it. Figure out why you broke up and what it teaches you about yourself. I needed to date someone who would be less passive, for example. Figure out what it tells you about them.
8. They accept the faults that ended the relationship
This goes for their faults and yours. Even in the best breakup, there’s still some blame and anger. Examine that and own your part in it. Be ready, for example, to say you cheated, or you couldn’t do the long-distance thing, or you didn’t see your relationship going anywhere.
Accept your faults in the relationship. Accept theirs, too. And remember, knowing what those faults are is different from taking accountability.
When you’re both ready, meet up again. Once you can meet on good terms, you’ll need to talk out your relationship. Think of it as a kind of exorcism. It’ll be awkward, and it’ll be weird. But if you can get through it, you may have a friend for life.
Elizabeth Broadbent is a writer, journalist, and speculative fiction author. Her work has been featured in Huffington Post, The Washington Post, Insider, and Romper among many others, where she writes about parenting, mental health, and lifestyle topics.
