Due to negative experiences and beliefs (or sometimes a personality disorder), anyone can suffer from commitment issues. People with commitment issues may be full of fear, experiencing a near-constant state of emotional conflict caused by their negative, often irrational beliefs about love and relationships.
In relationships, they may create significant confusion, havoc, pain, and anguish as their behaviors are often insensitive, unpredictable, and bizarre. If you think someone you’re dating has commitment issues, even if that person is you, there are certain behaviors you can watch out for.
People with serious commitment issues show these signs early and often:
1. They have a history of short relationships or have never been married
There’s often an excuse that they haven’t met The One, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down, as they can have children at any age. A well-used — if not overused — word is “someday.”
2. If they have been married, it’s likely to have been for a short time
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Or, if they have been in a long-term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity. In a 2019 study, researchers explained that “perceiving oneself as having more potential alternative partners was associated with increased odds of being the less committed partner in an asymmetrically committed relationship (ACR) compared to not being in an ACR, as was being more attachment avoidant, having more prior relationship partners, and having a history of during the present relationship.”‘
3. They want a relationship, but they also want an unreasonable amount of space
They are often attracted to long-distance relationships and busy, independent individuals for this reason.
4. They blur the lines between being charming and manipulative
They say and do all the right things, and can be very romantic snake charmers. They are very good at selling you on the idea that they will live up to all the ideal characteristics and promises you’re looking for in a partner just to get their own needs met.
In reality, they have no intention of holding up their end of the bargain, and have very little concern for your feelings, as they are continually operating from hidden agendas.
5. They play the seduction/rejection game
They can’t decide to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walking away, either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for their partner when they don’t see them, but they want to run away as soon as they become involved again.
6. They love the chase, but they don’t want the kill
This may happen after one night, one week, one month, three months, or even one year. They may start sabotaging the relationship when it comes time for conversations about big life decisions, such as moving in together.
7. They spin stories to justify their contradictory behavior
And when their partners finally have enough and threaten to leave the relationship, they may make promises to change.
8. They often choose partners who aren’t the type of long-term, “settle down and get married” person they would choose
For example, they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships. In a recent study on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), researchers noted that the couples in which one person met the criteria for BPD “showed lower marital satisfaction, higher attachment insecurity, more demand/withdrawal communication problems, and higher levels of violence.”
9. They have a history of frequent career changes and often work in environments where they have lots of freedom
They don’t want to connect with coworkers, be tied down to one job for too long, and likely seek positions with plenty of traveling and little to no supervision.
10. They treat requests for respect as demands, then become angry, obnoxious and rebellious
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They don’t see their partner so much as their equal as they do an accessory in their life. Once their partner has expectations or wants more from them (no matter how perfectly reasonable it is), they don’t just feel bound by restrictions — they feel bound to them.
11. They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends, or family off-limits
They can create wonderful excuses for why their partner shouldn’t meet these people, especially because they don’t want any of these people to form connections with each other. This would make it harder to suddenly detach from someone in any of these groups because they’ve become incorporated and established into what could become an overall community of people in this person’s life.
12. When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages
They essentially play mind games while trying to find the panic button and eject from the whole situation.
13. They can be moody or aloof and blame the other person for why they’re acting so bizarrely
Sometimes, they may even feel mixed up internally to some extent and they’d much rather put you at fault than take accountability for their acts and emotions.
14. They may withdraw intimately and blame it on their partner for being demanding
They can also blame it on work fatigue, illness, or anything else that sounds plausible. In research published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, researchers studied several couples where one partner met the criteria for BPD.
15. They have a pattern of unavailability and inaccessibility.
They can be hard to contact and are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
16. They lie or are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create more distance
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They always want to keep their partner at arm’s length and doing this helps them maintain that barrier of distance. It also keeps their partner from knowing more about them, their whereabouts, and who else they might be spending time with.
17. They hate planning because that means (you guessed it!): commitment
They’re called “commitments” for a reason!
18. They have very little furniture or don’t own property or a car, as these decisions represent a commitment
To some, buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married. It can be all too much for them, as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
19. They often don’t invite dates to their home
They may even live with their parents or couch-surf at friends’ places so they aren’t tied to a lease in any one specific location, and they may have no desire to change their situation.
Even if have their own home, it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It isn’t welcoming to the outside world because it’s a reflection of how they don’t want to welcome anyone into their hearts for very long.
20. They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all
They are like this with family and friends, as well.
21. They can be overly committed to their work or their children
To avoid spending time with a potential (or existing) partner, they have two of the ultimate excuses for obligations they can’t get out of.
22. They rarely lower their defenses because they don’t want to get too close to the other person, or vice versa
If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well-planned installments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for people with commitment issues, as they feel completely safe to disclose, as well as to pursue the chase.
They have the convenient excuse that commitment isn’t an option while they are already in another relationship.
23. If they’re married, they may avoid putting their divorce papers through
They can use this as an excuse to keep a potential romantic partner at bay. This also helps them to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.
24. Behavioral inconsistencies are very noticeable when they find themselves getting too close
They become argumentative and perhaps even abusive, or they go to great effort to create distance. A lot of relationship-sabotaging behaviors surface (e.g., working long hours, taking on extra projects, not calling or picking up, being late, finding fault with the other person for no particular reason).
The National Institute of Mental Health defines BPD as “a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to regulate their emotions” and is also characterized by “a pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.”
25. The word ‘forever’ terrifies them
Love doesn’t scare them; rather, it’s what love represents to them that scares them. This is usually due to their negative belief system about love and relationships.
26. They end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more
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This is because they want the other person to end the relationship, as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.
27. They can also suffer from a mental health condition or trauma
Sometimes, the root of the commitment issues is especially serious and needs to be addressed by a mental health professional.
Nicole Baikie is a Certified Coach with the Relationship Coaching Institute working toward her International Coaching Federation Credential.
