Most couples know the divorce statistics when they get married. How many marriages end in divorce? The numbers vary. While the previously accepted statistic was that 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, according to the CDC, in 2021, the divorce rate was around 2.5 per 1,000 population, lowering that number to an estimated 39 percent.
No two marriages end in the same way. But when looking at the larger picture, patterns emerge. Before a divorce, some key factors stood out more than others. They don’t know the signs they should be looking for to warn them that their marriage is heading for trouble and you may be forcing something that’s not meant to work.
Here are ten red flags you’re forcing a marriage that’s not meant to be:
1. You need to be right
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You ensure you’re “right” and how you see or do it is the only way. Yet your partner refuses to see it that way for some unfathomable, illogical, and annoying reason.
At its extreme, this plays out as self-righteous indignation. If you have to be “right,” that makes your partner “wrong.” Being “wrong” all the time is incompatible with feeling love.
2. You constantly control or are controlled by your partner
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Trying to get your partner to change who they are or how they do things is controlling. You try to eliminate your anxiety or discomfort by trying to get your partner to behave the way you think they should. However, most people don’t like to be controlled. What you will create is pushback and hostility.
Certified empowerment coach Keith Dent agreed and offered seven signs to help you recognize if you’re the controlling one in a relationship. From criticizing them to being irrationally jealous, your attempts to “fix” constantly arising problems might be making everything worse. Dent stated that these behaviors can be unlearned through seeking help and respecting your partner’s wishes.
3. There’s unrestrained venting
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When you start to express true feelings, you share all the ways your partner has made you miserable, in detail and with exclamation points. You then start yelling and screaming, name-calling, ridiculing, being sarcastic, and shaming your spouse. Frequently, this sharing is done in the heat of anger, and, unfortunately, things once said are impossible to unhear.
4. There’s retaliation
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You don’t get mad, you get even. You feel justified in your actions because you’ve been hurt. Retaliation can be direct by blatantly score-keeping, which is when you are purposely nasty. It can also be indirect by behaving in a passive-aggressive manner, which is when you don’t say or do something you should.
A retaliatory mindset within a couple can significantly harm relationship satisfaction. A 2021 study showed that a partner’s tendency to retaliate following a perceived transgression strongly predicts poorer conflict resolution and decreased marital quality, particularly when one spouse feels the need to get back at the other through negative behaviors or emotional withdrawal.
5. You start to withdraw
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You become emotionally unavailable and either shut down completely or remove yourself from one aspect of intimacy. You stop listening or participating in the relationship at any real level. This can be motivated by fear of conflict, difficulty in being vulnerable to your spouse or just feeling a sense of hopelessness that anything can change.
6. You start making concessions
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This is when you agree to do something you don’t want to do. You might do this because you believe you are being supportive of something your partner really wants. Most often, it’s because you are trying to stop a fight, avoid a fight, don’t want to make your partner mad, or are afraid your partner might leave.
No matter the reason, the result will always be harmful in the long run. Making concessions in a marriage, when done in a balanced and reciprocal way, is crucial for a healthy relationship. It demonstrates a willingness to compromise, understanding your partner’s needs, and fostering a sense of mutual respect and trust.
However, a 2020 study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that consistently giving in without receiving concessions can lead to resentment and imbalance within the partnership.
7. You have to justify your actions
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This is a minor form of retaliation and is often less intentional. It’s when you don’t do something you know you should and then you provide self-serving reasons why it’s okay.
You didn’t come home at the time you said you would, but it’s okay because you’re an adult and you’re entitled to some fun. Besides, your partner spent the weekend at her mother’s and you had to do everything at home.
8. There’s a lot of blaming
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Focusing solely on what your partner is doing wrong is relatively easy to do. While blaming your partner may feel good, it won’t lead to a happy, healthy marriage. It also puts emphasis on the negative aspects of your relationship.
Excessive blaming in relationships is often linked to poor communication, low self-esteem, a need for control, and difficulty taking responsibility. It can be a significant factor in creating a toxic relationship dynamic, leading to feelings of resentment, hurt, and decreased relationship satisfaction.
A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that individuals who frequently blame others often exhibit defensive behaviors and struggle with vulnerability. Being on the receiving end of constant blame can lead to lowered self-esteem, feelings of guilt, and increased stress levels.
9. You tried to rewrite history
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This is a common result when you focus on the negatives in the relationship. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, you can convince yourself that it was never good and that the two of you were wrong from the start and never loved each other. You will then act on these beliefs and make your relationship worse.
10. There are feelings of neglect
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This is the most common and the most insidious, damaging feeling in a relationship. Letting the day-to-day routine take over and being too tired to spend quality time with each other is often the beginning of the end. You show your priorities by how you spend your time, and if you aren’t taking care of your marriage, how can you expect it to survive?
According to American psychologist Dr. John Gottman, stonewalling is one of the behaviors that predict a relationship’s end. The impact of stonewalling is massive, as it prevents open and honest communication and can lead to more arguments as one person becomes frustrated. Emotional neglect doesn’t allow for feelings of unity and understanding.
Several of these behaviors result in feelings of resentment. Once this happens, your marriage is vulnerable to divorce.
Lesli Doares is a therapist, coach, and the founder of Foundations Coaching, a practical alternative for couples worldwide looking to improve their marriage without traditional therapy.
