I’ve developed a frustrating pattern of falling for the same kind of guy, only to quickly find myself in the friend zone, where he prefers to keep things platonic instead of becoming my boyfriend. This behavior has caused me a lot of angst and extreme unrequited love.
If you’re wondering, “Does he like me as more than a friend?” There are clear indicators that a guy is genuinely interested or simply being friendly. How can you tell if you’re going down that same unpleasant path? Luckily, sometimes it’s apparent that he’s not into you like you are him.
Here are ten signs he just wants to be friends but doesn’t know how to tell you:
1. You’re always the one reaching out
Look Studio | Shutterstock
Your hangouts feel perfect — but only to you. The time you spend together is the stuff movie montages are made of, filled with goofball antics, laughter, and moments of heart-pounding verbal intimacy — except your heart is probably the only one pounding.
If you’re making plans while barely putting in effort, he’s probably not as invested. Traditionally, men are discouraged from expressing vulnerability or engaging in emotional conflict, which leads them to withdraw or avoid confrontation altogether.
So if he doesn’t feel the same romantic feelings as you, that avoidance — never initiating the hangout or calling you — could be him trying not to make you upset or angry.
2. He only invites you to group hangouts
gpointstudio | Shutterstock
Do you feel upset about not having that much-needed quality alone time together? If he only invites you to group events, it’s likely because he views you as one of the guys.
This can be flattering, but he doesn’t generally cuddle with his guy friends after spending the day together.
If all your time together screams “BFF vibes” — never romantic tension — chances are his heart might not be in it like yours is.
3. He gives you a “bro” nickname
PeopleImages.com – Yuri A | Shutterstock
Research shows that men make up nicknames for the people they care about the most, but if the nickname he’s choosing for you — his close friend — is more masculine, it could indicate he’s only interested in being just that: friends.
Whether it’s “buddy,” “dude,” “bro,” or your last name from high school, something distinctly unfeminine or completely unromantic, his terms of endearment make it clear where you stand. He’s just not that into you.
4. He talks to you about other women
Halay Alex | Shutterstock
This should be obvious, but if he openly rates other women’s looks or asks for your advice on his crush, he’s locking you in the friend zone.
This is so heart-shatteringly painful that it takes all you have not to break down in tears in front of him. Instead, you swallow your pain and pretend to be okay with rating the attractiveness of various female passersby — thereby solidifying even further your status as his “bro.”
5. He plays matchmaker — for you
NDAB Creativity | Shutterstock
If he’s determined to set you up with someone else, it’s a sign he’s not interested and trying to ease his guilt. He’s no dummy. On some level, he knows you dig him. And he feels terrible that he doesn’t feel the same way.
This is why he’s suddenly so determined to find you another guy with whom you can share everlasting love. No, he’s not testing your loyalty. He’s trying to make himself feel better about letting you down easy.
6. There’s no flirty physical contact
Halay Alex | Shutterstock
You have sleepovers, but he doesn’t lay a finger on you — no matter how often you “accidentally” bump into him or allow your sweatshirt to fall seductively over one shoulder, Flashdance style.
Research indicates that men generally seek intimacy more quickly than women. This tendency may stem from their desire to determine whether their needs for physical affection, emotional connection, and relationship expectations align with their partner’s.
Men prefer to clarify these aspects sooner rather than later. A guy interested in you will find reasons to touch you, not just keep his hands to himself like a polite stranger.
7. Drunken affection is all you get
Jacob Lund | Shutterstock
If a guy likes you, he’ll find any excuse to touch you: playfully, comfortingly, seductively. (Does anyone remember when tickle fights were a viable pick-up tactic?)
But if he only gets touchy-feely when inebriated, lonely, or miserable due to the effects of a recent breakup, don’t be tempted to take advantage of this momentary bit of vulnerability. You’re looking for a sober seduction, remember? If he’s only touchy when tipsy or sad, don’t mistake vulnerability for genuine feelings.
8. You get the “let’s just be friends” line
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock
If you experience a lapse in good judgment, there’s a good chance you’ll hear this line the morning after. And good gracious, this line is frustrating. By saying this, he clarifies the boundaries after a moment of intimacy and tries to keep things platonic.
Unfortunately, research featured in Scientific American indicates that men and women struggle to be “just friends” due to their differing perceptions of friendship. While women typically manage to keep platonic relationships, men often find it hard to suppress their feelings of desire and attraction, making the situation more complicated.
9. He’s crushing on someone else
Halay Alex | Shutterstock
Despite all you’ve shared, whether it’s your roommate or another friend — if he’s swooning over someone else, it’s time to move on.
10. He comes out to you
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock
In case you were wondering, if he happens to confide in you that he does cuddle with the guys after spending the day with them, you shouldn’t take this news as a challenge to “turn” him. That would be a ridiculous, insulting (to him) exercise in futility.
If he shares that he’s into other men, it’s not your job in any way to “change” him. Respect his truth and move on — you’ll know when someone genuinely likes you.
Steph Auteri is a freelance writer and editor. She’s been featured in Playgirl, Time Out New York, American Curves, New York Press, Nerve, and other publications.
