If you’re looking for love, you’re probably swiping through a ton of online dating profiles. If so, you’ll want to know the red flags that someone has low emotional intelligence and wellness. Pay attention to these red flags both online and on the first date to weed out those who are not emotionally unhinged.
The more emotional intelligence you have, the more emotionally regulated you are, which means the more likely you’ll attract and hold onto an equally emotionally healthy long-term partner.
Emotionally unhinged people show these signs within a week of meeting them:
1. They don’t use a profile photo on their dating apps
If an individual has no picture of themselves on their profile, this is usually an indication they are hiding something.
They might be newly separated, or feel they are unattractive, neither of which bodes well for emotional wellness! Trust me, it is only a select few who are executives needing to hide their identity.
2. They over-emphasize how ‘honest’ they are in their profile
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Anyone who needs to say they are honest when describing themselves, particularly if they have made the word part of their username, is a person who has had challenges with honesty in the past. No one needs to state they are loyal, kind, or in possession of any trait that everyone has when they are emotionally well if they’re not struggling with it.
People often must present themselves as honest, even when subtly manipulating their behavior to appear truthful. This is driven by a desire to protect their self-image and maintain social standing.
A 2020 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found this can manifest in situations where individuals might downplay negative aspects of themselves or even lie slightly to avoid being perceived as dishonest, even if the stakes are low.
3. They mostly share photos of fancy/expensive belongings
Individuals showing pictures of their homes, cars, motorcycles, or other external means of gratification in their profile may not be fully aware of their own greatness.
They believe they need to entice a partner in this way, which means they could be struggling to find positive traits in themselves to emphasize. This could be a sign of not having emotional intelligence and not knowing how to truly connect with a person.
4. They give off a trying-too-hard vibe
Someone who is flexing their muscles or is scantily clad in their pictures is focusing on their external appearance, which means they put less effort into making an emotional connection. This is not a strong indication of being emotionally well!
People often try too hard due to underlying anxieties about not being good enough. A 2023 study published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology concluded that these anxieties stem from childhood experiences where their efforts were not adequately recognized or rewarded. This leads them to overcompensate by exerting excessive effort in various situations to gain approval or achieve success. A fear of failure and a desire for validation can further fuel this tendency.
5. They repeat key sentences over and over
Anyone repeating thoughts in their dating profile is demonstrating their priority or showing you an area of their life where they are struggling. Or perhaps they’re just really forgetful!
For example, if someone states over and over how important their children are, they might be having a challenge finding enough time to have a romantic relationship. They’re letting you know that their kids take up a large portion of their time.
The same can be said of someone who talks a lot about traveling, their work, or other events. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you share those interests, but it does mean they may prioritize that topic over you or an emotionally well, connected relationship.
6. They send you revealing pictures of themselves
They are likely more interested in being intimate with you than being with you mentally and emotionally. The same goes for if they ask you for similar pictures. Sending pictures like this is so commonplace today that you might be confused as to whether this is acceptable.
This act can be motivated by various factors, including relationship dynamics, self-esteem, desire for intimacy, and sometimes even manipulation, with significant gender differences in how people perceive and react to such images, mainly when received unsolicited. Individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may be more likely to engage in this behavior, depending on their motivations.
2023 research found that sending explicit images can create power imbalances within a relationship, especially if one partner feels pressured to send them while the other does not. If you’re looking to have an emotional connection with someone and not just a fling, this is a red flag for having no emotional intelligence or wellness.
7. They text you so often it’s interfering with your life
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This is not a sign they are emotionally well. Talking to each other when you first meet is normal and fun! But if they’re texting so much that you’re glued to your phone, this could be a problem.
And conversely, if there’s always a large delay in their response to your texts, without an explanation, they may be playing games, which again, is not a sign of being emotionally available.
8. They resist speaking to you over the phone
Texting anyone more than a few times before setting up a phone call can raise both parties’ hopes unnecessarily. Speaking on the phone is the very best way to read another’s energy and determine if there is chemistry before arranging the first date.
The tendency to delay phone calls while remaining accessible via text is often driven by a desire for increased control over communication, a fear of social awkwardness, and the perceived convenience of responding at one’s own pace, which texting provides.
However, a 2021 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found this behavior can sometimes lead to weaker interpersonal connections than direct voice communication. If they’re putting off a phone call but always available to text, there could be a problem.
9. They’re incredibly self-absorbed
Your potential date is more interested in talking about themselves, bragging, or lamenting over past hurts than in talking to you or determining how you both might connect.
People with emotional intelligence understand that connection will come from both of you sharing — not just one!
10. They won’t meet you in person or constantly cancel or reschedule last minute
There is always an excuse as to why they can’t meet you in person – if it takes a long time to arrange a first date, how will the rest of your relationship fare?
Keep in mind that if you are not excited to meet the person you are talking to by the end of a phone call, there is no need to go on a date with him or her, even if there are no other red flags!
When someone avoids meeting you in person, it could be due to various factors, including discomfort with the level of intimacy established online, fear of the unknown in face-to-face interaction, potential discrepancies between their online persona and authentic self, or simply a lack of genuine interest in pursuing a more profound connection.
A 2023 report published by the Pew Research Center concluded these can often be related to concerns about safety, a mismatch in expectations based on online communication, or a lack of physical attraction that only becomes apparent in person.
11. Their profile picture is much different than their current appearance
Your date’s profile didn’t contain pictures that are current or representative of their true essence. They’re older, heavier, or less attractive than their pictures, or perhaps look nothing like their pictures at all.
Tricking people with pictures or words is a recipe for disaster for any emotionally healthy relationship. No one is perfect, but if anyone pretends to be perfect, this is a big red flag.
12. They’re focused on telling you what they’re not looking for in a relationship
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Your date tells you what they don’t want instead of what they are looking for … if they say they don’t want drama, they’re actually attracting drama with that statement! You might actually find there is a lot of drama in their life, and that’s not a good place for any emotionally healthy relationship.
When someone heavily emphasizes what they “don’t want” in a relationship, it could indicate a few potential underlying factors, including past relationship trauma, fear of commitment, insecure attachment styles, a need for control, or a desire to self-protect by setting clear boundaries.
Sometimes, according to a recent study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, listing what someone doesn’t want is a way of establishing boundaries or communicating their needs, but without clearly defining what they do want.
13. They move way too fast in the first couple of dates
They tell you they love you, discuss wanting to marry/live with you, or heavily compliment you on the first few dates. Real feelings take some time to develop; neediness is not a sign of emotional wellness.
14. They press you for intimacy very early on
If they tell you they want to sleep with you on this first date, it sounds fun and exciting, but it is not a sign that your date is emotionally well.
Sorry to be a downer! An emotional connection needs time to build without the confusion of great intimacy. If they’re only interested in a physical connection, then you’re not likely going to have a deep emotional one.
15. They’re overly critical of their ex or past relationships
If they criticize their ex or take no responsibility for the end of their prior relationship, they’re probably not emotionally intelligent enough to have true insight into the relationship.
Anyone who is criticizing others is choosing the wrong way to make themselves look good. Remember, you want your partner to take responsibility for their part in things that go wrong with you. Please don’t fret if it is taking you a while to meet the love of your life.
The longer you take to meet your life partner, the longer you can work on coming to love yourself. This means the more likely you’ll attract someone who’s been doing the same. Aim for having a long-term relationship with people who love themselves to the same degree you do.
Meredith Deasley BA, RNCP, RHN, ACC is a Certified Life Coach, Registered Holistic Nutritionist, Author, and Speaker.
