For #SHW24 we’re exploring the link between mental health and sexual health. Damian Weatherald is a sex educator who aims to break down the taboos and barriers associated with sex and disability. He believes everyone is entitled to experience pleasure, and that this can look different for different people. In this blog, Damian discusses how male sexuality has typically been viewed through a limited lens and why that needs to change.
While the acceptance and normalisation of sex toys have made significant strides in recent years, there remains a stigma surrounding men who engage with them. This stigma reflects broader societal attitudes towards masculinity and sexuality, which must be scrutinised in order to dismantle these barriers and empower men to embrace their desires without shame or judgment.
The stigma around male masturbation has led to men not discussing pleasure, masturbation, and their overall sexual health. Pre-teen boys will often be told not to touch their penis. We have frequently heard phrases such as, you’ll go blind, you’ll get hairy palms if you masturbate, and it will fall off if you play with it too much. This can have a negative effect on mindset when it comes to masturbation and self-pleasure. Men do not feel comfortable talking about the subject with other men as they feel they may be mocked or deemed less masculine. This also means that men are less likely to use and discuss using sex toys.
Typically, male sexuality has been depicted through narrow lenses, emphasising masculinity, dominance, and heteronormativity. This traditional narrative has marginalised the exploration of male pleasure beyond conventional means, leading to the stigmatisation of men who embrace sex toys as emasculated or deviant.
We have never had the ‘Sex and the City’ moment for male sex toys.
If there were that moment, it would hopefully enable men to be more open about sex and also be more open to talk about their sexual health. Usually, male sex toys are seen as unfavourable or are used in a comical sense that is often degrading.
A lot of this was because, in the past, sex dolls were seen as the only option for men. I often speak to men who struggle with the thought of using a product that is a replica vulva/vagina because they find it mentally uncomfortable, and some even see it as cheating.
The stigma surrounding men’s use of sex toys is multifaceted, stemming from ingrained notions of masculinity, gender roles, and societal expectations. Men are often pressured to conform to rigid standards of sexual performance and prowess, wherein the use of sex toys may be perceived as a threat to one’s masculinity and sexual adequacy.
Moreover, prevalent stereotypes perpetuate the myth that men should effortlessly derive pleasure solely through penetrative intercourse, dismissing the diverse spectrum of male sexuality and preferences. Consequently, men who express interest in sex toys risk being ostracised or ridiculed, hindering open dialogue and exploration of their desires.
Breaking free from societal constraints requires challenging entrenched stereotypes and fostering a culture of sexual openness and acceptance.
Men should feel empowered to explore their bodies and desires without fear of judgement.
Normalising the use of sex toys among men necessitates shifting paradigms surrounding masculinity and embracing a more inclusive definition of male sexuality.
Education and advocacy also play pivotal roles in dispelling misconceptions and fostering understanding. Normalising discussion of pleasure can dismantle stigma and promote healthier attitudes towards sexuality. This needs to be started in an age-appropriate way in sex education, creating a safe environment where people can learn about their bodies without the fear of being ridiculed or told off.
We need to see that watershed moment in mainstream media that shows a man positively using a sex toy or showing a couple introducing a sex toy for penis owners into the bedroom, and this may then open conversations. Some ethical porn sites are starting to show men using pleasure products. The real sex site, Make Love Not Porn, has a range of videos that show men using sex toys and how somebody can use them to enhance their sexual pleasure.
Pleasure product companies are playing a role in breaking this stigma as sex toys have evolved hugely in the last 20 years, and technology has also played a part in this. There are now some great products for men to use for solo play or with a partner that is not a replica of a vulva.
Embracing sexual diversity entails recognising and celebrating the myriad ways individuals experience pleasure and intimacy.
Just as women’s engagement with sex toys has become increasingly normalised, men, too, deserve the freedom to explore and express their desires without shame or stigma.
Acknowledging the intersectionality of gender, sexuality, and identity is essential in creating a culture that embraces sexual diversity. By recognising the unique experiences and needs of individuals across the gender spectrum, society can move towards a more inclusive and affirming approach to sexuality.
