Reasons, Signs, Ways To Deal

Love that is suffocated by control and manipulation can never stand the test of time. You see, the moment you start feeling suffocated in a relationship, you know that you need to fix it or escape to save yourself. It feels as if all the positivity is being snuffed out and all that is left is bitterness.

And how does one address such toxicity? Well, in this article, we’ve teamed up with California-based psychiatrist and cognitive behavior therapist Dr. Shefali Batra (MD in Psychiatry), who specializes in counseling for separation and divorce, breakup and dating, and premarital compatibility issues, to offer you some insights into this scenario. We will also offer some actionable tips to deal with suffocation in your relationship. 

Why Do I Feel Suffocated In My Relationship?

Remember the whirlwind romance of Ross and Rachel in Friends? Or the intense yet stifling relationship of Bella and Edward in Twilight? While these love stories might seem captivating on screen, they sometimes mirror the reality of feeling overwhelmed and caged in a relationship. 

They also have another common theme: intense attachment in a relationship can quickly spiral into constricting and unhealthy dynamics. This is essentially why people end up feeling suffocated in relationships. Watch out if your partner is saying “I love you” too much in a relationship or constantly asking you for updates.

Explaining this phenomenon in greater detail, Dr. Batra says, “If you’ve ever found yourself longing for some breathing room or are feeling more like you’re living in a soap opera than a healthy partnership, you’re not alone. Recognizing the signs that you’re feeling suffocated in a relationship can be the first step toward regaining your independence and ensuring your relationship stays balanced.” 

She lists the following factors that may be responsible for the suffocating feeling in the relationship:

• A whole bunch of rules: Every relationship has some rules, but yours is doomed for failure if the rules don’t let you breathe. This will only leave you feeling smothered in a relationship
• No compromise: Nobody is perfect. So, if you or your partner is unwilling to compromise on your expectations, with regard to finances, looks, or life goals, you are in for a caged feeling
• Unrealistic relationship goals: If you or your partner have unrealistic expectations, such as going out to dinner every alternate day or having lavish foreign vacations twice or thrice a year, one of you will feel suffocated, if it doesn’t align with your life goals, A study on this topic proved how most couples have unrealistic expectations regarding sexual prowess and mind-reading 
• Emotional abuse: Ever felt that every conversation turns into an argument or that every time you wish to talk about your feelings, you feel like walking on eggshells? In such cases, you’ll often be left telling yourself, “I feel suffocated in my relationship.”
• Lack of space: When there’s no space in the relationship, it’s normal to feel stifled. A coworker, Andrew, made it a point to make his girlfriend, Casie, talk/spend time with him at the expense of her work and leisure. This is a classic case of lack of space, where she felt she was made to feel guilty for living her own life
• Codependency: When partners are codependent (where one is a giver and the other is a taker), the giver tends to tolerate a lot more in the relationship than they normally would. This can create a sense of being trapped until they quit
• Trust issues: If someone doesn’t trust their partner, it can create long-term issues in the relationship. For instance, a friend of mine, Andrea, recalled one of her ex-boyfriends calling her day in and day out just to check where she was and with whom. This eventually led to their breakup
• Fear of commitment: The fear of commitment may lead a partner to feel suffocated in the relationship. So much so that even the very mention of commitment by the other partner can cause the person to drift apart or initiate a breakup

15 Signs You Feel Suffocated In A Relationship

So, what does feeling suffocated in a relationship look like? When exactly do you tell yourself, “I feel smothered in my relationship”? Explaining what a smothering relationship feels like, a Reddit user says, “Since he’s here 24/7, I basically don’t have down time alone anymore—something I’ve always valued A LOT, btw. I’m out all day and he’s not, so when I get home, he’s bored and wants to hang out together. Some days, I’m down for it. Some days, though, I just want to be with my videogames or my books, and while he “respects” it, he will often complain about how I’m not giving him enough attention.”

And this suffocation can lead to severe psychological ailments, such as depression or anxiety. It can also make you withdraw from your support system, such as your parents and friends. In order to address this issue, you need to have a clear idea of the signs of a smothering relationship. So, let’s delve into the key indicators that your relationship might be edging into suffocating territory. These 15 signs listed below will help you navigate your way back to a healthier dynamic:

1. You have a clingy partner 

If you’re wondering if you’re indeed feeling smothered in a relationship, check if you for this sign. Dr. Batra says, “A clingy partner in a relationship is bound to be your worst nightmare.” And most of such clinginess is associated with attachment styles, as an Attachment Project article clearly states. Here are some instances:

• Expecting selflessness (but that in itself is a selfish trait)
• Needing constant reassurance of your love
• Texting/calling you throughout the day, and even expecting you to answer them in the middle of a busy schedule
• Saying “I love you” too much in a relationship

2. They don’t listen 

A relationship can be a caged hell if your partner doesn’t ‘see’ you anymore. In fact, if your partner fails to listen to you or your concerns, it can have serious implications for your relationship. Dr. Batra points out a few such instances: 

• They won’t listen to your concerns, and it’s all about what they like or do
• They will disregard your emotional needs in a relationship and say you’re overreacting
• They might miss out on important things you tell them such as picking your child from school or paying a bill on time

3. They aren’t respectful of your personal space

Personal space is crucial to a healthy relationship. And without it, you may be left feeling smothered in a relationship. Dr. Batra says “A relationship can’t survive for long if either of the partners has no personal space.” Space in this context means:

• The freedom to meet your friends
• The liberty to attend hobby classes 
• The freedom to go on solo trips to unwind
• Spending a day apart from your partner, to pamper yourself at the spa
• Some me-time to read or watch a Netflix show

4. The feeling that you don’t have anything that is just yours

Dr. Batra says, “The loss of identity that follows a toxic relationship is extremely detrimental to your relationship in the long run.” Here are some instances:

• You have no hobbies since you got into the relationship
• Your work schedules have gone haywire because you need to call them often
• Your sleep schedule has been hampered because of late-night calls
• You hardly call or spend time with your family
• You haven’t met your friends in ages

5. Time away from your partner is a welcome relief

Dr. Batra says, “You know you’re with a toxic partner when you look forward to work as an escape from your love life.” My cousin, Janet, had a similar experience. 

She lived with her boyfriend, who was very controlling. Janet would actually love the time apart from him that she spent at her workplace. She vented to her coworkers, saying “I feel suffocated in my relationship,” and got the emotional support she needed. She eventually broke up with him.

6. You lie to your partner to get some space 

Yes, lying is bad. But when you have to save yourself from emotional abuse or get some much-needed space in the relationship, white lies are perhaps justified. For instance:

• You tell them you have an important late-night work call to attend, just to watch your favorite Netflix show
• You lie to them, saying you are going on a work trip because they wouldn’t let you go on a trip with friends

7. Your partner doesn’t like you spending time with others

This is a huge red flag in a relationship. Dr. Batra explains, “When your partner doesn’t let you spend quality time with your friends or family, it smacks of jealousy, and you may often tell yourself, “I feel smothered in my relationship.” This isn’t healthy.” 

This jealousy could be because you get a lot of attention from friends (especially from those of the opposite sex) or because you are more popular with people (be it friends or coworkers). For instance, one of my friends, Jake, hated the fact that his wife was jovial and outgoing. So much so that he literally pulled her out of events because he could not bear the fact that she was always the center of attention and enjoyed herself in such settings. 

8. Your partner tries to control you

Are you often left telling yourself, “I feel smothered in my relationship”? It could be because your partner tries to control your life, which is a massive red flag. Dr. Batra says, “Control can manifest in many ways between couples.” Some instances are:

• They control what you wear
• They control your time, demanding you spend most of your time catering to them (cooking for them, traveling with them, etc.)
• They control how you spend money by stopping you from investing in things you like
• They gaslight you into believing you’re going insane
• They manipulate you into living according to their whims

9. There’s pressure to conform

Dr. Batra says, “You’ll know you’re in a suffocating relationship when you feel scared to share your thoughts with them.” There is pressure to conform to their thoughts, ideas, and beliefs, which leaves you walking on eggshells around your partner. That’s because you know anything you say that doesn’t align with that can start an argument. This can manifest in the pressure to conform to their:

• Political views
• Beauty ideals
• Food habits
• Personality 

10. They feel entitled to know everything about you

Yes, it’s natural for partners to want to know things about each other. But Dr. Batra advises, “There should be some healthy boundaries with regard to how much you tell them.” 

For instance, my friend, Chris, once dated a girl who would call him up at odd hours just to check what he was up to and ask him questions to verify whether he was actually where he was claiming to be. This not only smacks of control but also of distrust and is a strict no-no. He would often confide in me, saying, “I feel suffocated in my relationship but don’t know how to come out of it.”

11. You feel paranoid that they’re always watching you

This is a scary feeling. When you have a controlling partner who makes you suffocate, you will feel as if they always have their eyes on you. Here are a few examples of the kind of behavior that can evoke such feelings in a person:

• They might always be watching your story or commenting on/liking your Instagram stories/posts and asking you to remove certain posts because they didn’t go down well with them
• They might check your bank notifications to control how you spend
• They may check your browser history
• They may also ask you for passwords and check your phone

12. You feel emotionally exhausted after talking to them

Dr. Batra says, “You can be sure that you’re in a suffocating relationship if the conversations that you have with your SO leave you drained.” Now, these could be any of the following:

• Conversations where you have to constantly reassure them about your commitment to them
• Conversations about the intricate details of what you did the entire day, including whom you’ve met
• Conversations about some past fight you two had

13. They invite you to events you don’t want to go to

Dr. Batra thinks this can destroy your mental peace to a great extent. She says, “Obligatory participation in activities you don’t feel like doing or events you don’t feel like attending can cause you to lose your cool. And this is a strict no-no in a healthy relationship.” So, look out for the following signs:

• They want you to accompany you to a family event even if you’re not comfortable with the way a particular family member is sarcastic toward you
• They want you to attend parties knowing that you don’t like going to noisy places

14. You’re walking on eggshells 

A sign of smothering love is that you find yourself caught in an endless loop of arguments—all day, every day. Ever felt that any conversation that you have with your partner turns into an argument? Dr. Batra says, “If you feel that you can’t express your thoughts or needs without it turning into a heated debate that ends with threats or, worse still, the silent treatment, you’re walking on eggshells and need to save yourself.” Here are a few instances:

• Your partner threatens you with a breakup every time you have an argument
• Your spouse talks about divorce every time you fight
• They stop talking for days when you get too emotional or cry

15. You don’t take care of yourself anymore

Has your relationship changed the way you perceive yourself? Have you given up on self-care and small feel-good indulgences since you got together with your partner? When was the last time you got a haircut or bought a nice shirt for yourself? When did you last invest in yourself? If you have forgotten to take care of yourself since you’ve started talking to or dating your SO, you know that you’re probably too stressed to invest in your health, looks, or hygiene. 

Here’s what this situation can look like, according to a Reddit user’s first-hand account: “I’m on medication for depression/anxiety, but sometimes I feel like the sheer amount of effort it takes to feed myself, drink water, take my meds, go outside/exercise, etc is too much. I know lots of people who do all of that + more, but I don’t understand how. I’ve even started to resent myself for needing to do things like eat on time, sleep, hydrate.”

How To Fix A Smothering Relationship — 9 Therapist-Recommended Tips

So, are you wondering how to fix a smothered relationship? Dr. Batra says, “Navigating smothering love can feel tough. It’s like being caught in an endless loop.” So, let’s explore how to rediscover your individuality and restore balance without losing sight of what drew you to your partner in the first place. Here are 9 tips from Dr. Batra that will help you fix your suffocating relationship:

1. Setting boundaries 

Do set boundaries and expectations that are realistic. And make no allowances. For instance:

• Set rules regarding interactions with friends. Make it clear that you are free to spend some weekends with friends and family.
• Set rules about them not commenting on your clothes, looks, career, etc.
• Tell them you will not tolerate disrespect or crude jokes/sarcasm

2. Ask them to respect your privacy

Dr. Batra says, “You should be able to keep some things to yourself.” A relationship doesn’t necessarily give your partner the right to ask you about every detail of your life. For instance:

• They shouldn’t be bothered about your work interactions unless you tell them about your job 
• They shouldn’t nag you to tell them about your friends
• Asking you to delete/block your coworkers or friends because they don’t like them is also a strict no-no

3. Take out some time just for yourself everyday

If you’re still clueless about how to fix a smothered relationship, this may be your go-to solution. A Harvard Business Review article talks about how important ‘me time’ is to people. In fact, ‘me time’ is absolutely crucial to maintain an identity. So, make sure you keep at least an hour to yourself every day. This time could be spent in:

• Exercising
• Reading
• Gardening
• Watching your favorite shows

4. Find out what you like to do for yourself in your personal time

If you think you’ve lost yourself trying to be in the relationship, try and focus on activities that you loved doing before you got into the relationship. For instance:

• Go on a trip with your friends if you loved to travel but haven’t been able to do so lately
• Spend some time exploring old hobbies, such as music, pottery, or drama
• Try something that you’ve never tried before, such as dance or Zumba 

5. Encourage your partner to also take some time for themselves 

To get healthy balance back into your relationship, you also need to make sure your partner stops being obsessed with you. And to that end, you can let them know how to stop loving someone too much, and this is how you can do so:

• Encourage them to go for trips with friends
• Ask them to invite their friends for house parties
• Ask them to invest in their hobbies

6. Communicate about their behavior and how it bothers you

Nobody can deny the fact that open communication is key in relationships. Dr. Batra suggests “talking it out with your partner.” This is, by far, the best solution to let them know what is bothering you. 

Communicate often when you’re feeling suffocated in a relationship and let them know how you wish them to fix the situation too. Also give your partner a low-down on how to stop loving someone too much, so that they can focus on their own life.

7. Ask yourself about the future

Dr. Batra says, “Once in a while, it’s important to ask yourself where you see this going and discuss the future with your partner.” A relationship has a future only if you see a future in it. Remember, it takes two to tango. So, you can’t leave your partner out of the plan. Discuss if staying in the relationship is worth it and move ahead accordingly.

8. Rekindle your romance

It’s very important to jazz up your love life by rekindling your romance. And how do you go about it? A Gottman Institute article talks about a few ways to do so. Additionally, here are some more tips:

• Plan some fun activities that both of you enjoy, such as adventure treks or karaoke
• You can even engage in simple activities, such as cooking together or decorating the home together
• Plan a date at home, replete with a candle-lit dinner, some music, wine, and slow dance
• Invest in good hygiene products and/or fancy lingerie and have some fun between the sheets

9. Focus on self-awareness

Dr. Batra suggests, “Examine if there is anything you could have done that you need to work on, which might have contributed to the problems in your relationship.” So, think if:

• You could’ve been oversharing on social media and should put a hold on it
• You could’ve spent more time with your partner to make them feel secure when you’re out with friends
• You could’ve been more friendly with your partner’s family and friends to make them feel positive

Final Thoughts

Relationships are supposed to bring peace and positivity. They’re meant to help you become a better person and to grow. But when such relationships become cages that stifle you and take your freedom away from you, it becomes necessary to address the core issues behind such a situation. 

We hope our article helped you ascertain the causes of such suffocating relationships. And we hope you can address the issues at hand whenever you’re feeling suffocated in a relationship.

Infographic On Signs Of Suffocation In Relationships And Ways Of Dealing With It

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