Are you trying to move on from a nasty breakup or a damaging on-again-off-again relationship? Are you trying to push a guy away or trying to make him come back to you? What if we told you there is one solution to all these common relationship complications—the no-contact rule? But how can one strategy help you get over someone and facilitate a reconciliation? Well, once you understand the no-contact rule male psychology, it will all become clear as day to you. That’s what we’re here to do.
Does the no-contact rule work on men? Will no contact make him move on or miss you more? What goes on in a man’s mind during no contact? If these questions have been on your mind since you hit the block button, it’s time to delve deeper into this much-talked-about psychological strategy for dealing with complex emotions. With insights from psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., MBA, PGDTA), who specializes in relationship counseling and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, let’s find out how men respond to no contact.
Understanding The No-Contact Psychology
Before we talk about what no contact does to a man, let’s make sure we’re on the same page about what the no-contact rule entails and how it works. The no-contact rule is a psychological strategy used to cope with and recover from a breakup or heartbreak. The key here is to cut off all communication with an ex-partner and shift focus to healing and personal growth. The logic behind it is that by distancing yourself from a former partner, you can end your emotional dependence, which, in turn, helps regain mental clarity and allows you the space and time to work on your sense of self, self-esteem, and self-worth.
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, “No contact gives you space to detach and heal from the trauma of a relationship, especially if it was toxic.” Research also supports that distancing yourself from an ex can reduce stress and emotional turmoil. According to a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, romantic rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain, making emotional distance crucial for recovery.
The no-contact phase after a breakup also protects you from further heartache and trauma by shielding you from emotionally charged interactions. As psychologist Dr. Guy Winch notes, “By halting all contact, you minimize the triggers that prolong emotional suffering, giving yourself time to rediscover self-worth and rebuild self-esteem.”
The Male Mind During No Contact
While the original intent of the no-contact rule was to help people move on and heal in the wake of a breakup, it is also often employed reverse psychology tactics to get back together with an ex. If you’re wondering, “What goes through a guy’s mind during no-contact?”, it might well be because you’re hoping for a reconciliation. Or at least a part of you does. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, trying to understand how the no-contact rule might be impacting your ex. Instead, you’d be focusing on healing and moving on, isn’t it?
Speaking on the subject, Dr. Bhonsle says, “When the no-contact rule after the breakup is in force, a man might go through anger, humiliation, and fear, sometimes all at once. Depending on the time of day, the man could feel any of these individual emotions or all of them together.” So, if you could get inside his mind, you’d see that he is agonizing just as much as you are. Want to know more? Let’s dive deeper into the no-contact psychology.
7 Key Components Of The No-Contact Rule Male Psychology
“Is he thinking about me during no contact? That question gave me sleepless nights after I dumped my ex-boyfriend, Caleb. It looked like he couldn’t care less about us not talking,” Jollene told us, “It had been about one week, and I’d often see him laughing around campus. His attitude made me feel like I never mattered much to him. But I tried to focus on my healing and growth.
“One day, Caleb’s best friend texted, asking me to give him another chance. That’s when I realized that the impact of the no-contact rule is very different on men. He tried his best not to seem vulnerable but he was crushed. That day, Caleb texted me at 2 am asking how he hurt me. That was when I knew he was just running away from his emotions. Of course, I didn’t respond,” she adds.
If you’re in a similar post-breakup stage, clarity about the psychology of a man during no contact might help. Keep in mind that while every guy reacts differently after a breakup, however, most experience similar emotions at some point. These emotions reflect the state of the male mind during no contact:
1. Humiliation or relief, depending on who initiated the no-contact rule
If a man has been dumped and then consigned to the no-contact zone, it can hurt his pride. Dr. Bhonsle says, “One of the first stages of no contact for a man is a state of humiliation. He feels like he’s been cast aside, like a bad habit, as if there’s something about him that is repugnant and repulsive to his ex. Regardless of what he may or may not have done, no one likes to be treated poorly. Hence, the humiliation of being cut off can hit hard.”
On the other hand, if he is the one who initiated the breakup and wanted to snap all contact, the first few days of the no-contact phase might make him feel light and relieved. At this point, he is completely at peace with his decisions. This is one of the vital man vs woman breakup differences that governs the way he feels after the breakup as well as how he deals with those feelings.
2. The bargaining stage: He starts missing you
Irrespective of whether he initiated the no-contact rule or it was thrust upon him, a few days into it, your ex will start missing having you around. This may even set into motion the bargaining stage post-breakup. Elaborating on this aspect of male psychology after break up, a Reddit user wrote, “I begged and made an ass of myself, so I would say you have more chance of getting the ex back by ignoring her than by begging. She hated me at the end.” This is one of the common stages of no contact for a man, wherein:
- In a desperate attempt to make amends, a man may say whatever you want to hear at the moment
- Since he is unable to deal with the sudden scarcity of communication, he may resort to desperate tactics
- You may see a 180-degree shift in his attitude and a readiness to do whatever it takes to win you over again
If you want to see if the no-contact rule is working, the extent of his bargaining stage will be a good indicator. Dr. Bhonsle says, “In the no-contact phase, a man may resort to bargaining in an attempt to crawl back into his ex’s life. He may even try to beg his way back into her life by upselling to her and saying things like “I’ll be a changed man”, “I’ll do better” or “I will change for you”. This, in turn, leads to more humiliation, since change isn’t that easy to come by.”
3. The fear of loneliness and losing love begins to set in
Once your ex starts missing your presence in his life, those feelings can pretty quickly snowball into a fear of losing love and ending up alone. A Reddit user wrote, “After the breakup, I was OVER THE TOP with texting, are we still friends? Do you want to work on our issues? Are we seeing other people now? What is our status? Answer me pleeeeeeease!” This is precisely the loneliness stage, wherein:
- No-contact rule serves as a reality check for your ex, giving him a glimpse of what his life might look like without you
- The realization sets in that the no-contact rule isn’t a gimmick employed by you for a couple of days
- A sudden panic along the lines of “Why am I still single? I’m going to die alone” may take hold
At this stage, the male mind during no contact is gripped by the fear of the unknown and a desire to gravitate toward the familiar. “Once the fear kicks in, it can lead to some pretty bad decision-making that can damage a person’s self-esteem. A scarcity mindset kicks in and a man may start acting in desperation,” says Dr. Bhonsle.
4. He feels angry and looks for coping methods
The male mind during no contact is fraught with pain and hurt. This may manifest as your ex feeling a lot of anger and bitterness toward you. At this point, he needs a coping mechanism to get through the negative feelings. Some men start looking to date again and go on the rebound to take their minds off all the uncomfortable emotions bubbling inside. Others, may seek refuge at the end of a bottle or start generalizing and putting women into a certain category. They may even start displaying worrisome signs of trust issues, saying things like “No woman is trustworthy.”
If there is still access (that is if you haven’t blocked your ex during no contact), he may even send angry texts or emails to vent out his frustration. Or bombard you with late-night calls where he rambles on about all the ways you’ve wronged him. The degree of anger depends on each individual, but almost every man will experience it. Dr. Bhonsle says, “Being at the receiving end of the no-contact rule can also lead to anger and resentment. In the long run, anger can lead to building stereotypes, which will lead to biases. The man may enter future relationships with biases based on the fact that he was rejected.”
“It leads to a vicious cycle of humiliation and rejection,” says Dr. Bhonsle about the dangers of the stereotypical mentality men can resort to, “He might be putting himself into a loop. The next woman might say, “He’s a bitter, angry, and frustrated individual”, which, in turn, leads to more rejection or even experiencing no contact again. Since dealing with rejection isn’t easy, it then becomes a vicious cycle of suffering.”
5. He experiences depression as he thinks about what he lost
Understandably, the no-contact rule brings in its wake a mourning period as the enormity of what he has lost begins to dawn on him. This stage of no contact for a man is all about grappling with self-pity, sadness, and depression. He thinks about how unfair life has been to him. He dwells on what could have been and fixates on what went wrong with the relationship and all the things he could’ve done differently.
This can be one of the most unsettling periods of the no-contact phase for a man. Dr. Bhonsle advises that these feelings can be minimized if the no-contact rule is handled the right way, and goes on to explain, “You can distance yourself from someone without being disrespectful. The ideal way to do it is to not ghost the person and disappear in the wind. You could say, “I’m no longer interested in continuing our association and I want to move on.” The more direct you are, the easier it is for the man to also lick his wounds and move on. However long that takes.”
6. He feels the need to prove his love
The psychology of a man during no contact can also often be shaped by what he has seen around him growing up. On the big screen, the chronicles of depressed, alcoholic, and heartbroken men have been romanticized. So, some men believe that that’s something they must go through to prove their love.
As a result, when you don’t contact him, he looks for ways to woo you again after a breakup. Dr. Bhonsle says, “A lot of movies show men putting themselves through turmoil because of a woman. So, a lot of men may start believing that going through turmoil is a part of the process of being a man as if it’s a way to prove how authentic their love is.”
Explaining how this flawed philosophy seldom works, he adds, “It’s actually quite pathetic to grovel and not move on because you believe that’s what you need to go through. Just because it’s in the movies doesn’t legitimize it, it just popularizes a damaging notion. Your chances of recovery are hurt by that kind of destructive and self-pity-filled behavior.”
7. Hopes for a reconciliation or moves on
Once a man has gone through all the stages of no contact and dealt with all the uncomfortable emotions they stir up, he finds himself at a final crossroads: reconcile or move on. At this stage, if he still has feelings for you and has missed you during the no-contact phase, your ex will come back, hoping for a reconciliation. On the other hand, the time apart may make him see that you’re better off without each other and he may want to keep the no-contact rule in force indefinitely because he has already moved on or wants to.
Dr. Bhonsle says, “We disassociate with someone because we deem them to be a threat to our way of life. If a man realizes that his ex was controlling, clingy, manipulative, or he was being subjected to gaslighting in the relationship, he may not want to look back.” If you’ve been using male psychology to get an ex-boyfriend back, this is the stage where you’d know whether or not that desire will come to fruition. If you see that he’s decided he’s better off without you, it’s a sign for you to give up as well.
The Outcome: What No Contact Does To A Man
Now that we’ve decoded the no-contact rule male psychology for you, the question is, what next? How does this period of no contact? Will he come back after no contact or will no contact make him move on? Well, it can be either. The outcome depends on your circumstances—the nature of the relationship, the reason for the breakup, who decided to end things and put the no-contact rule in effect, and how you both coped with it. Depending on these factors, one of these two things may happen:
Scenario 1: He wants you back
The no-contact rule can work surprising ways. It can lead to you both realizing each other’s value. Taking some space might lead to your feelings for each other surfacing stronger than before. After all, there are types of breakups that lead to reconciliation. If you’re wondering what percentage of breakups get back together and sustain that relationship, here’s some data for you. Studies point out that 15% of people actually won their ex back, while 14% got back together just to break up again, and 70% never reconnected at all with their exes.
So, there’s a possibility that he might want to rekindle the relationship. In such cases, what’s the first thing that you should do? Be honest with yourself and ask yourself these important questions:
- What were the major problems that caused the breakup?
- What are the solutions and strategies to fix those problems?
- Can my ex and I work through these issues with patience?
- Do I have a list of unfixable dealbreakers?
- Do we differ fundamentally in our core values?
After you have thoroughly thought about the above questions, follow these steps:
- Discuss with your ex what you both have learned from the split
- Keep your closed ones in the loop instead of keeping it a secret
- Imagine yourself as a third party (would you advise your bestie to get back?)
- Go through a trial run to test the success of the reconciliation with your ex
- Take things VERY slow
- Don’t bring up issues of the past; consider this romance as a clean slate
Scenario 2: He wants to move on
My friend Sarah told me, “I broke the no contact and he replied. But, his response caught me off guard. He told me he wanted to move on and asked me not to contact him again.” There’s always the possibility that the time apart may make your ex see all the reasons why you’re better off without each other, and he may have no desire to rekindle the relationship.
This can come as a huge blow if you’d hoped the no-contact rule would bring your ex back, and you begin to question your self-worth, wondering why you weren’t good enough for him. On this, counselor Ridhi Golechha previously told Bonobology, “One of the most common self-sabotaging behaviors is holding yourself responsible for everything. To deal with the breakup, practice self-forgiveness and self-compassion. The more you forgive yourself, the more you are at peace. You need to look at the two sides of the coin, where you acknowledge your mistake along with the need for you to move on.
“There is nothing wrong with you if you are struggling to get over someone. Without hating yourself, allow your thoughts to come and go like clouds. Break out from the pattern of self-judgment. Know who you are. Celebrate yourself for the person you are.” Here are tips on how to cope with your ex moving on after the no-contact phase:
- One way to heal is to come out of the denial stage and see things as they are
- Write down facts about how this relationship has altered your equation with yourself
- Avoid drowning yourself in drugs/alcohol/cigarettes to ease your current situation
- Meditation and exercise can help you to get your life together after a breakup
- Opt for healthier coping mechanisms like performing better in your work/developing new hobbies
- Seek professional support and lean on trustworthy people for support
- Learn the lesson that your self-respect has to be stronger than your feelings
- The healing process will happen naturally, in its own sweet time; don’t force anything
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Will no contact make a man move on?
While making a man move on is definitely one of the components of male psychology during no contact, there are also plenty of other steps/emotions he will feel and most likely get fixated upon. Chances are, the hurt and confusion you cause him by suddenly disappearing will stunt his moving-on process. Add image
2. Does no contact work on a stubborn man?
A stubborn man may be harder to crack, and he may initially put up a nonchalant display as though your absence doesn’t bother him, there will come a time when it eventually will. How he chooses to act on those feelings/display them is entirely up to him.
3. Will no contact work if he lost feelings?
If your ex has completely lost feelings for you, the chances of the no-contact rule working are slimmer than its usual high success rate. If he starts to frantically contact you after a few weeks or maybe even a few months of cutting out all communication with him, there’s a big chance that he may be pining for you.
Let him try to communicate with you, and when the time is right, ask him what he thinks is going on in his mind. If the period of no contact has done you both any good, you’ll be able to have a conversation about it with more clarity. However, if the no-contact rule does not work in this scenario, it’s a sign you need to move on with your life as well.
4. How does the no-contact rule affect a man?
The no-contact psychology works in stages. When you block him for the first time, he will feel shocked/humiliated. He might put on a hard exterior, even though he’s dying inside. But he won’t be able to pretend for a long period. Then, he will give mixed signals to test you. He might even come to the other side and use reverse psychology on you. Also remember, the psychology of no contact on male dumper works differently.
Key Pointers
- The 30-day no-contact rule male psychology works in complex ways
- Your ex may go through emotions like humiliation, bargaining, anger, and loneliness
- The way he behaves during the period of no contact depends of the stage he is in
- He may feel like he needs to prove his love to you to win you over again or he may realize that the breakup was for the best, and move on
- No-contact rule is an effective way to deal with a breakup as long as the goal is your recovery and growth, and not using it as a tactic to manipulate your ex into getting back together
Final Thoughts
Finally, the no-contact rule male psychology can be a complex assembly of emotions that even the man will have a hard time understanding. The lack of closure is what really gets to most since it’s troubling to not know the reasons behind the sudden discontinuation of contact. Now that you have a better idea of how men respond to no contact, hopefully, you have put to rest any questions that were on your mind.
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