Hurtful words in a relationship are like a drop of red dye in a glass of water, and they quickly turn the whole glass pink. What starts as a slip of the tongue sets a process in motion that permeates a relationship and defines its tone.
We think of criticism as a constructive process — one person feels they know the other in and out and makes suggestions for how the other might improve, they’re merely helping the other overcome their flaws and deficiencies.
Sometimes this works. Perhaps the other person takes the advice and adjusts to make their partner happy. But other times, it doesn’t. “If they don’t like my clothes, I’m going to wear the outfits they hate most.”
Here are four urgent things to do if your marriage teeters on divorce:
1. Realize you criticize your partner even without words
The path out of this kind of communication trap is to take an approach of zero negativity. In doing so, both parties commit to refrain from put-downs, negative comments, and behaviors.
Both members of a couple must make a strict commitment to this approach, not just temporarily, but always. Criticism doesn’t always take the form of words. It can be a touch, a glare, an eye roll, or two hands thrown up in the air. The message is that one person is superior and the other inferior. One person is up, and the other person is down.
It’s an unpleasant feeling for the person down — a feeling that has its roots in the animal-like parts of our brain. Harsh words induce a feeling of anxiety. Research published in the Ethology & Sociobiology Journal shows how anxiety, at its roots, is the nervous system responding to a stimulus of danger — the fight or flight response.
The response of the criticized person also takes one of these forms: they may slink away, play dead in a submissive posture, or take on the accuser by fighting back. Whether criticism is phrased gently or cruelly, it comes from the same place of judgment.
2. Acknowledge that your inner critic isn’t always right
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Unconsciously, the critic believes their opinion is the only correct one. The way they look at the world is the only reasonable way to see it, and if the partner differs, they must have no sense or taste — in fact, they’re emotionally unstable.
The other person, in a way, ceases to be a person and is, instead, an object to be molded into the critic’s way of looking at the world.
That said, a relationship without dialogue, without one person being able to express a concern, is also an unhealthy place. Suppressed thoughts and feelings lead to passive-aggressive behavior or the gradual dissolution of affection for one another, as suggested by a study in the American Journal of Family Therapy.
3. Search for trust and safety with your partner
In a particularly unhealthy relationship, this might mean both people have nothing to say to each other for a long period. In this case, the dynamic between the partners has become toxic and stuck in a loop of one-up, one-down behavior it has violated both of their feelings of trust and safety.
Ultimately, all committed relationships contain a seed, no matter how small it may seem, of meaningful love and affection.
Even if the approach of zero negativity leads to, essentially, a vow of silence, eventually, the mantle of fear will dissipate, and both parties will find the warmth toward each other they once had. They will find things to say that are neutral and eventually positive.
Research from the American Psychological Association supports how when the activated fear diminishes, both people will begin to feel safe with one another, which is the primary and most important foundation of a healthy relationship.
The zero negativity approach doesn’t imply that partners shouldn’t be allowed to express concerns or desires for behavioral change in a relationship. It’s all about the way it’s presented. A hurtful comment out of nowhere or a passive-aggressive put-down is unacceptable.
But one phrased carefully and delicately can lead to the desired effect.
4. Learn to make your criticism thoughtful and useful rather than mean
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One way to frame a safe conversation is to start with a statement like, “I’m having a hard time with something, and I want to share it with you. Is now a good time to talk?”
If it’s not a good time for the other person to hear this, the requester must accept it. But the other person must, in turn, offer a time he or she would be more open to hearing your concerns.
Knowing you’re going to express something critical takes away the element of surprise and defensiveness in the other person and allows you to state your concern in a thought-out, gentle way.
It makes it much more likely they will be willing to compromise and come closer to your side of the fence.
This is the second step in creating a healthy, constructive environment for change. But again, the very first step is zero negativity. It’s a rule that’s easy to remember but may be difficult to follow at first.
In time, you’ll begin to notice all the ways you were being unconsciously critical, as shown by a study in the Personality and Social Psychology Review — making jokes at the other’s expense, speaking negatively about them to others, and thinking passive-aggressive thoughts.
This awareness itself can motivate change. I challenge you to give it a try — not a word, not a comment, not a glance in a negative direction. It may just lift your relationship to new heights.
Harville Hendrix, Ph. D., is a couples therapist with over 40 years of experience as a counselor, educator, clinical trainer, author, and public lecturer and has received many awards for his work with couples. He and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, co-created Imago Relationship Therapy, a therapy for couples now practiced by over 2,200 certified therapists in 30 countries.
